


The Line

by heenimlee



Series: Back to you [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 05:36:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7964521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heenimlee/pseuds/heenimlee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taeyong remembers how he always thought Jaehyun's mouth was made to smile, his eyes meant to light up and crinkle, always kind, genuine, manifesting a child like innocence.</p><p>He doesn't know when he allowed himself to think that Jaehyun's mouth was made to kiss, his eyes meant to flutter closed in unfathomable pleasure, everything kind and innocent replaced by desire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Taeyong dreamt of an infinite rope stretched taut, beginning nowhere and ending nowhere. He dreamt of a terrible yawning darkness beneath it, beneath his own two feet balancing precariously on this unending rope. He put one foot in front of the other, muscles tense and breath held, acutely aware of his own shifting weight, the tension in the rope changing, the terrifying chasm clawing closer. He swallowed, another step, then another.

It was on his seventh step that he lost his balance. He felt his body grappling to save him, and he felt its failure.He was falling. He felt it in his chest, all the way down to his toes, the crushing panic of that split second before a car crash.

Taeyong woke with a start. 

 

 

Taeyong remembered how he had always thought Jaehyun's mouth was made to smile, his eyes meant to crinkle and light up, always kind, genuine, manifesting a child like innocence. His presence too, was soothing. A quiet mountain stream, bubbling away happily with no agenda. He remembered that touching Jaehyun or even just being around him felt like resting tired feet in cool, clear water, like quenching a thirst, like a fever receding. He really couldn't help himself, it was just so natural to reach for the boy, an arm around his shoulder or a light grip on his wrist.

He didn't know when he let himself think, perhaps Jaehyun's mouth was made to kiss, his eyes meant to flutter closed in unfathomable pleasure, everything kind and innocent replaced with desire. Even now he couldn't help himself. He'd still reach for Jaehyun instinctively, but it was a little different, a little tainted. A hand on the back of his neck, on his knee, his thigh, but no further. Lingering longer than needed, but never long enough to mean anything. Still innocuous, but not quite. He wouldn't dare take it any further. 

 

 

It was late afternoon on a rare day off. What had begun as a sunny day had taken a turn towards gray and bleak, rain hammering down outside the dorm windows. Taeyong was lounging on the couch watching tv. Most of the members had gone out earlier, when the weather seemed promising. Now he was alone in a rain darkened dorm save for Taeil hyung and Jaehyun, who had stayed behind to catch up on sleep.

Taeyong was tired too. Hours of practice, day in, day out, just fatigue. He had wanted to sleep in, but he had dreamt of strange, disturbing things the previous night and woken up at an ungodly hour. Hadn't sleep a wink since. He was wound tight, just too tired to fall asleep.

He sat and stared unseeingly at the screen, until some movement in the dorm caught his attention. Someone had woken up.

Jaehyun entered the room stretching, groaning in satisfaction when he felt his joints crack. He mumbled a groggy greeting and sat himself down on the floor between Taeyong's legs. He looked over his shoulder at Taeyong, smiled his angel smile and asked what he was watching. Taeyong mumbled out an answer, throat dry from hours of silence. Jaehyun nodded and made himself comfortable, resting his head on Taeyong's knee.

Taeyong wondered at the sudden rush of relief he felt, having Jaehyun close to him.

He leaned forward, his body moving towards Jaehyun unthinkingly, like some gentle, imperceptible pull of gravity.  He could smell his shampoo, could feel the warmth of the body so close to his own. He reached out and slid his hands into Jaehyun's hair, smoothing over a few unruly strands. Instinct. Habit. Jaehyun leaned into his touch with a little satisfied sigh. Taeyong's hands stilled.

It felt achingly intimate.

He blinked, and only one image flickered against his eyelids. He saw himself kissing Jaehyun hard, gripping his hair, pulling Jaehyun's head back. He could picture it with disturbing clarity, what the younger would look like with his lips parted, moaning Taeyong's name, the fevered flush of his skin and the little blooming bruise Taeyong's mouth wanted to leave on his collarbones.

Itwas all only for Taeyong's mind, only for him to imagine. To be brought forth when he was particularly frustrated, tired nights after hours and hours of practice, his body aching to be touched. 

A soft moan drew Taeyong back from the darker recesses of his mind, reality snapping back into place. He realized he had unknowingly, steadily tightened his grip in the boy's hair. Like stepping out of dense shadows into bright sunlight, Taeyong's mind scrambled to refocus. What should he do now? Release his grip and continue as if nothing had happened? 

Before he could process his next move, Jaehyun turned towards him. 

Taeyong held his breath. He allowed himself to meet Jaehyun's eyes. What a terrible mistake. 

He felt a crushing panic, the split second before a car crash. His grip loosened, his hand slid down to settle on the back of his neck. With his free hand he reached out to touch Jaehyun's beautiful face. His thumb trailed softly over Jaehyun's lips, and he watched th boy's eyes fall closed. He couldn't look away. He couldn't help himself. Taeyong fell into the great yawning darkness.

His mouth sought Jaehyun's and Taeyong couldn't do a damned thing to stop it. Before he knew it, he was cupping Jaehyun's face and pressing an open, hesitant kiss to unyielding lips. His heart hammered behind his ribs. Jaehyun felt incredible against him. 

By the time his senses kicked in, before he could slam the brakes, the damage was done. He screwed his eyes shut, broke the kiss. He lingered there for a moment, head hanging, not daring to draw back and open his eyes, to find that perhaps Jaehyun now looked at him with disgust. His hands fell away from the younger's face. 

He started when he felt fingers tightening around his wrist to keep his hands from retreating. Taeyong opened his eyes and looked up, and what he saw took his breath away. Jaehyun's eyes, completely unguarded, said _don't stop, don't fucking stop now._

He froze. He couldn't be sure. He didn't understand. But when Jaehyun softly pulled Taeyong's hands back toward himself, when he placed them as they were, when he said _Taeyong hyung_ , his voice low and sultry. That's when he knew.

He exhaled shakily, closed his eyes, pulled Jaehyun closer and kissed him again. This time Jaehyun's lips parted and moved with Taeyong's. It was hesitant and shallow at first, but before long they were delving deeper, a shivering pleasure experienced when their tongues met momentarily. Jaehyun gasped. They reached for each other, Jaehyun's hands fisting in Taeyong's hair and pulling him closer, closer.

 

There was laughter outside.

Taeyong pulled away quickly.

The sound of people approaching.

One last peck.

The sound of keys being fumbled with.

Jaehyun wiped the wetness off Taeyong's mouth with his thumb.

The sound of the lock clicking open.

They sat back like nothing ever happened. 

 


	2. Two

Jaehyun wanted to talk to Taeyong. Since that afternoon, he hadn't had a moment alone with him. Smalltalk, normal doses of Taeyong-skinship, work, work, work. It really seemed like nothing had changed. He wanted to find out how long Taeyong had been thinking of doing that. Did it mean anything, or was it just a one time thing, in the heat of the moment, totally by accident, never to be repeated? Either way, what would their next step be? Jaehyun was young, but he wasn't naive. He understood that the path he had chosen wouldn't allow this to happen. If it ever got out, it would have catastrophic effects on his career, on Taeyong's career, on NCT's future. All of that was crystal clear in his head. This wasn't the first time he was forced to think of all the reasons being with Taeyong wouldn't work.

That didn't change the fact that he had never felt like he did when Taeyong kissed him. Everything he had imagined, about what his hyung's mouth would feel like, what it would taste like, it paled in comparison to the real thing. He remembered the sequence of events so vividly, down to the frantic rush at the end. If he had to pick the one moment that he'd burn into his memory, it would be when he reached out and wiped away the moisture from Taeyong's glistening lips. Taeyong had briefly held his hand and pressed a fleeting kiss to his knuckles. Jaehyun found himself replaying those few seconds over and over in his mind.

To him Taeyong was never the older brother he was to everyone else. They were close, but in his mind, it wasn't quite friendship. Jaehyun had always felt a little bit more for Taeyong than what was appropriate. It had started small and innocent: an inexplicable satisfaction settling inside him everytime Taeyong's hands found his, a smile he couldn't suppress when Taeyong laughed. It had grown over time into something too big for his chest to hold. He wasn't afraid of it, and he wasn't sorry, as long as it stayed inside him. He had never dared to externalize it, never dared to wonder if Taeyong felt the same thing, never let himself hope for anything. He knew he wanted Taeyong, physically, emotionally, in every way. Jaehyun wanted to be held by him, he wanted him pressed up against his body, he wanted him whispering things in his ears,  _to see the expanse of his skin, to taste it, to mark it, to be inside him (to feel him inside me?)._

For the first time, he found himself hoping Taeyong wanted him like that too.

 

NCT U was to debut shortly. Preparations were in full swing, practice hours bordering on insane, appointments with stylists and hair dressers, the members being pulled apart and put back together again. They were all together only in the practice room. Jaehyun had let his moment pass. He hadn't found the right time to ask Taeyong for answers, and now it was too late. Everyone was too busy, too much time had passed, and he thought perhaps Taeyong's silence was a hint.

Maybe it was just for that one afternoon. Maybe it was a terrible mistake. Maybe it was best not to think about or speak of it ever again.

Jaehyun thought he could be okay with that. It was more than he'd ever hoped for, anyway.

 

The day Taeyong came back to the dorm with his hair dyed a grey/white/lilac/something, Jaehyun couldn't stop himself from staring. He looked surreal, almost. Jaehyun was surprised by how much that affected him, by the sheer intensity with which he wanted Taeyong. Everything Jaehyun had relegated to the way, way back of his mind came rushing back with a vengeance. It hurt like a bitch, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it, and the more he stared, the better it hurt. The few members who were in the dorm at that time gathered around Taeyong, oohing and aahing and Jaehyun thought he should say something too, but he found his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. He swallowed and slipped away quietly into his room.

He sat on the edge of his bed. For a long while, he just sat there thinking _grow up, just grow up, Jaehyun_.

He heard a knock and he turned around to see Taeyong letting himself in. Jaehyun stood.

"Hi," Taeyong said. "Are you busy?"

Jaehyun shook his head.

"So, what do you think?" he asked, striking a pose. 

Jaehyun smiled and nodded, hoping that conveyed his approval.

Taeyong looked a little deflated. He had expected a noisier response. He raised his hand and ran it through his hair. "Does it look weird?" he asked.

"No, hyung. You look incredible," Jaehyun said.

Taeyong smiled. Jaehyun looked away. Taeyong's smile faltered.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. Yes. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

Jaehyun didn't say anything for a long moment. Taeyong moved closer.

"Jaehyun?"

"Hyung," he said. "Why did you..." 

Jaehyun stumbled over his words. "Hyung, why?" 

Taeyong looked confused for a second, and then Jaehyun saw the realization settling, softly, like a falling feather. 

"You still think about that?"

"You don't?" Jaehyun said, the hurt in his voice coming through before he could do anything to hide it.

"Of course I do. That's not what i meant."

Taeyong's voice was raw. He stood there eyeing the door. It stood slightly ajar, letting one narrow strip of yellow light through from the hall into Jaehyun's darkened room. He swallowed, shut the door, and Jaehyun heard the lock turning, clicking into place. He stood where he was, waiting for Taeyong.

"Jaehyun, I didn't know I was allowed to talk about it. You didn't... you didn't say anything so I thought maybe you didn't want to bring it up again. I sure as shit have thought about it."

"Why did you kiss me, hyung?"

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"Don't deflect."

Jaehyun held Taeyong's gaze, silence stretched tense between them. Taeyong spoke.

"I kissed you that day, because I wanted to. I wanted to kiss you because I thought, my God, he's beautiful, and kind, and funny, and he makes me so happy. And I've thought that more often than I should. I still think that, and I still want to. I know I shouldn't Jae. I'm sorry."

Taeyong's voice broke a little. He cleared his throat and stood up straight, just to seem like he wasn't afraid, like he was calm and composed. Jaehyun walked closer. He spoke softly.

"I didn't stop you because I find myself thinking those things about you, Hyung."

Taeyong inhaled deeply and looked up. He was trembling. Jaehyun took his hands and ran his thumbs over his knuckles.

"I didn't stop you because I wanted to kiss you. And I still do, too."

Taeyong withdrew his hands, took a step back and leaned back against the door for support. He ran a trembling hand through his hair. 

"This is so fucked up."

Jaehyun nodded.

They looked at each other, letting everything sink in. Taeyong felt like his body was heavy, his legs too weak to hold him up, his chest too tight. Jaehyun felt like his heart was hammering too hard, his mind leafing through a thousand possibilities, moving too fast for his mouth to catch up. It was all too real now that they had externalized it. It was liberating and terrifying all at the same time. They knew their lives had no room for the things they felt. But now, they knew they felt those things together.

They reached for each other at the same time, Taeyong's fingers hooking in Jaehyun's belt loops and Jaehyun's hands holding onto Taeyong's arms. Their bodies and mouths pressed together. Lips parted, tongues met, and a new rhythm was found. Jaehyun felt Taeyong faltering, second-guessing, pulling away, so he tightened his grip and pulled him even closer and kissed him so hard he groaned. Taeyong couldn't back away now, he just couldn't get enough. His hands had settled on Jaehyun's hip, and in one electrifying moment they lifted, strayed just beneath the hem of his t-shirt, brushed against soft skin. Jaehyun exhaled shakily when he felt fingertips on his skin, tentative and soft against taut muscle. Taeyong pressed kisses from the angle of Jaehyun's jaw, all the way down to his collarbone. He let his teeth graze lightly over it, bit down hesitantly, not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to make Jaehyun gasp. He raised his head and pressed one last quick kiss to the corner of his mouth before pulling away and falling back against the door. Jaehyun just stood there, breathing hard. He raised a hand and covered his mouth like he couldn't believe any of that had happened. His eyes met Taeyong's.

"Holy shit," he said, eloquence be damned, and Taeyong laughed.


	3. Three

Taeyong found himself alone with Jaehyun at the end of regular practice hours. It was late evening by the time practice ended, and the members all wound down, falling to the ground, sprawling out, towels and water being passed around. Jaehyun said something about a few of his moves looking a little off, and asked if they could extend practice by half an hour. The others looked at him like he was crazy, groaning and stretching and rubbing the many aches and pains out of their muscles. Taeyong laughed and offered to stay behind for a little while and help him out, and the other members just mumbled out something that fell somewhere between grateful and apologetic. They picked up their things and filed out of the room, relieved that they didn't have to practice any longer. Jaehyun grinned gratefully, tossing Taeyong a bottle of water.

The room stood large and silent. They let their bodies relax for a little while, and then Jaehyun looked at Taeyong, awaiting instructions.

"Just show me the parts you're having trouble with and I'll try and see how to make it better."

"You're not dancing?"

"Nope."

"So you're just going to watch me?"

"Yep."

Jaehyun swallowed thickly. He wasn't sure how comfortable he was, putting himself in a position where he'd be the sole focus of Taeyong's attention, suddenly feeling oddly vulnerable. He exhaled slowly, deliberately, played the music and started dancing. 

Taeyong watched him. He could tell that Jaehyun was uncomfortable, and he briefly reveled in the idea that perhaps he had that effect on Jaehyun, that he made him nervous and breathless and... Taeyong caught himself before he went too far, pulled his ego back down and cut it to size.

Jaehyun's discomfiture didn't stay long. He fell into the rhythm of the song and Taeyong did what he said he would. He joined Jaehyun once the song ended, telling him where he was going wrong, and to watch how he did it. "Try this," he said, his body showing him what to do. Jaehyun followed along a few times, watching himself in the mirror, trying his best to make his body move like Taeyong's.

Taeyong stood behind him, studying Jaehyun in the mirror, too. His dancing looked cleaner, more polished now, and Taeyong was once again impressed by how hard Jaehyun worked. But more than that, Taeyong couldn't stop looking at his face. It was a little flushed, his hair falling into his eyes, damp with sweat, somehow still beautiful and he imagined that's what he'd look like under him. Jaehyun's felt Taeyong's gaze and looked up, their eyes meeting in the mirror. He faltered, and then he stopped dancing, his eyes staying on Taeyong's reflection. He saw Taeyong stepping towards him, saw his reflection lifting a hand before he felt it on his skin, trailing down his arm. That's when he closed his eyes, feeling Taeyong's arms coming around him and wrapping tight. His senses were heightened, his skin hot. His back was pressed against Taeyong's chest, and he felt lips on his neck. He sighed when he felt lips grazing the shell of his ear, barely registering that Taeyong was saying something.

"I wish things were normal," he said softly, pressing a kiss to Jaehyun's shoulder, letting go.

"What do you mean, hyung?" Jaehyun said, turning to face Taeyong. Taeyong was hesitating, stepping back to put some physical distance between them.

"Nothing," he said decisively. "The dance looks great now, do you want to head back?"

Jaehyun gripped his wrists. "Hyung?" He said softly.

Taeyong drew in a breath. "I just wish that we could be friends or colleagues or something," he said. "And then I wouldn't feel these things when I look at you, and it wouldn't hurt so bad when I hold myself back and swallow it all down."

Jaehyun felt a lump in his throat. "Don't hold it back, then," he said.

"It's not that simple."

"It's pretty simple to me, hyung. I know we can't kiss and hold hands and go on dates in public. It doesn't bother me. But you're here when i need you, and I'm here for you to lean on. And if we're really careful, if we lock the door, then I could hold you all I want and nobody would know, right? I mean, we have everything that we need to be together. You like me, and I like you, like a college romance. Only difference is, we can't let anyone know. That seems simple enough."

Taeyong reached up and brushed Jaehyun's hair out of his eyes. "The only difference is, if anyone found out, our careers would end."

"Then we just have to be really, really careful," Jaehyun said with a silly smile.

Taeyong laughed and pressed a quick kiss to Jaehyun's cheek. "Can we really do this?" he wondered aloud.

"We could try."

"I guess we could," he said softly.

Jaehyun smiled, full and true, eyes crinkling, dimples showing, and it lit Taeyong up. He couldn't help but wonder at how easily Jaehyun had him melting, thinking _good God, I'm so fucked._

"Jaehyun. If you ever feel like you don't want to anymore, you tell me, we'll end this," he added.

 

 

Jaehyun was falling asleep when he heard shuffling outside his bedroom door. He opened his eyes and listened for it again, but there was nothing. Just when he was about to fall asleep again, he heard it, his eyes opening in time to see a shadow passing across the gap under his door. He looked over at Doyoung, and found him fast asleep. He got out of bed quietly and opened the door, his eyes still adjusting to the dark.

Jaehyun found Taeyong waiting quietly in the shadows outside his room, chewing on a nail nervously. He jumped at the sound of the door opening, seeming to relax when he saw Jaehyun standing in the doorway. 

"Hi," he whispered dumbly.

Jaehyun's groggy mind took a second before the image registered. He closed the bedroom door quietly, and he whispered "What are you doing here, hyung?"

Taeyong just shrugged and kept his eyes on Jaehyun's face. Jaehyun felt something flutter inside him, and he took a step towards the other. The air grew thick around them. He reached out and slipped his hand into Taeyong's, the others fingers tightening around his. Taeyong stepped closer and pressed his lips to Jaehyun's temple. 

"Come with me," he whispered.

Jaehyun found himself nodding, a soft tug on his hand, he was letting Taeyong lead him towards the bathroom. He opened the bathroom door and pulled Jaehyun in with him, taking a quick look outside, just to make sure nobody was around. He locked the door behind him, and turned around to find Jaehyun looking at him anxiously. Taeyong didn't say anything, and he didn't move, like he was afraid of crossing the few feet that separated them. It felt suffocating in the small confines of their bathroom, and Taeyong's desire and guilt and apprehension and all their circumstances weighed his body down. 

"What do you want to do, Hyung?" Jaehyun's whisper echoed a little.

Taeyong willed himself to step forward and he reached out to touch Jaehyun's face, letting his thumb run over his cheek. He wanted his hands on Jaehyun's body, but he wouldn't dare if Jaehyun didn't want it. "What would you let me do to you Jaehyunnie?"

Taeyong's strained whisper in his ears, thinly veiled desire, tied Jaehyun's stomach in knots. "Anything you want, hyung," he said, his voice low.

Taeyong smiled. His heart was beating too fast, anticipation bubbling in his chest, but he could tell Jaehyun was nervous. He seemed perfectly calm, but Taeyong could always tell, by the way Jaehyun was picking at a little fold of fabric on his own sleeve, by the way he was breathing, by the way he sounded when he said _hyung_.

"Close your eyes," he said. He cupped Jaehyun's face and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to his lips. Jaehyun's lips were soft against his own, pliant. It was such an innocent kiss, and yet when he pulled back, he felt like all the air had left his chest. 

"Was that okay?" he whispered.

Jaehyun looked at him and nodded breathlessly.

Taeyong's hand slid to the back of Jaehyun's neck, a gentle pressure to guide Jaehyun back to his mouth. Taeyong  kissed him deeper, tongues meeting. Their mouths moved together, slow, sensual, heat simmering in their chests. Jaehyun's hands found Taeyong's hips, pulling them against him. The grip on his neck tightened momentarily, and he felt something akin to a thirst for Taeyong's touch. His hands slipped under the other's t shirt, fingers brushing softly over his toned body, feeling the ridges of his spine and the planes of muscle. Taeyong couldn't catch his breath, the way they were entwined. His kisses got shallower, before he finally broke the kiss, and Jaehyun had to keep himself from whining. 

"What about that?" Taeyong asked.

Jaehyun nodded again, eyes still closed. 

Taeyong's fingers brushed over Jaehyun's lips softly, a brief interlude of tenderness before he gripped his jaw hard and pressed a bruising kiss to his lips, teeth biting down, body pushed flush against the other. Jaehyun stopped himself from moaning into Taeyong's mouth, but his desire for Taeyong came through in the way his hands fisted in Taeyong's shirt and pulled him closer. He thought he might burn, Jaehyun had never been so aroused. Their hips pressed together, and Jaehyun felt Taeyong's length straining against his clothes. The thought that Taeyong wanted him, that he was the one making Taeyong's body react like this, left Jaehyun gasping.

Taeyong pulled at Jaehyun's collar, dragging it down to expose his collarbones, the pale skin of his chest. His mind automatically went through their work schedule, no photoshoots anytime soon. His mouth left Jaehyun's, trailed down his neck, found a little area below his collarbone and settled there. He bit down, he sucked, his teeth punishing and his tongue soothing. He left his mark. He heard Jaehyun's breath hitching, and he pulled away from Jaehyun's maddening skin to return to his lips. 

Any semblance of self control abandoned Jaehyun when Taeyong's hand slid down his chest and abdomen, down to Jaehyun's straining arousal. He couldn't keep a strangled moan from escaping his lips when the other palmed him and stroked him over his clothes. His buried his face in the crook of Taeyong's neck. Taeyong stopped stroking him, thinking maybe they should stop there, maybe this was too much for Jaehyun to handle. It was too much, even for Taeyong. He felt Jaehyun wrapping his arms around his waist, and Taeyong hugged him tight, one hand on the back of his neck, holding him close and stroking his skin soothingly. 

"Would you really let me do anything I want, Jae?" Taeyong whispered into his hair.

"I would, hyung," he replied.

For the second time that night, Taeyong felt like all the air had left his chest.


	4. Four

Jaehyun's hands were on Taeyong's body, fingers curling under the hem of his t shirt, pulling. They were kissing heatedly, all tongue and teeth and terrible desire, until Jaehyun decided this was not enough for him. Taeyong broke the kiss momentarily to help Jaehyun pull his shirt off, and he basked in the way Jaehyun drew in a breath, and took a moment just looking at his bare skin. His hands returned to Taeyong, fingers trailing a burning path over his sides, the taut muscle of his abdomen, leaving Taeyong quivering. Jaehyun's mouth found his at the same time his hand found Taeyong's clothed length, swallowing his groan.

Earlier that day, they had spoken about the last time they had done this, about how frighteningly real it felt, how easily they would have been caught, about whether or not they should ever do it again. It was a rushed conversation, wrapped up quietly, in ten minutes or so that they found themselves alone in the dorm. Daylight had brought rationality back to them, but the notion of all the things they could do to each other, all the things left unfinished because they just weren't brave enough, had weighed silent and heavy in the air between them. That was until Taeyong had cut the silence with a confession, that touching Jaehyun made him feel like he was drunk, like he was invincible, that he wanted to do it again, and again, and again. Jaehyun had crumbled, whispering _tonight, same time, same place_.

And that was how they ended up locked in the bathroom again, bodies pressed together in the quiet, wrong and right blurring together, sharp edges blunted by the blanket of night.

Jaehyun's back was pressed into the edge of the counter, Taeyong mouthing at his neck while his fingers toyed with Jaehyun's waistband. Months of abnegated desire built up in their chests, threatening to spill over. Taeyong couldn't help it when his fingers dipped ever so slightly under the waistband, and Jaehyun couldn't help the little desperate sound that fell from his lips in response.

"Can I...?" Taeyong whispered.

Jaehyun wet his lips and nodded nervously, almost imperceptibly. "Yes," he said.

"Tell me if you want me to stop."

Taeyong kissed Jaehyun softly, his hand slipping past the elastic waistband, fingers curling around his length. Jaehyun gasped, lips parted, hands gripping the edge of the counter. Taeyong's hand moved, he pumped Jaehyun's length slowly. Jaehyun couldn't believe this was happening. His Taeyong hyung,  his beautiful Taeyong, half naked for him, hands moving to pleasure him, eyes full of Jung Jaehyun. Jaehyun's mind felt thick with fog, his knees weak when Taeyong started moving faster. It felt so surreal, Taeyong's teeth on his earlobe, his thumb pressing into his slit.

Jaehyun couldn't take it, the intensity of what Taeyong was doing to him. His arms wrapped around Taeyong's naked torso, mouths meeting in a deep, lazy kiss. Taeyong was moving even faster, his free hand sliding over Jaehyun's hip, over the curve of his ass, fingers digging into soft flesh. His fingers were tight around Jaehyun's member, skin slick, smeared with precum. Jaehyun couldn't breathe. He thought he would melt. He had touched himself before, but nothing had ever felt like this. Being completely at someone else's mercy turned him on like he had never imagined was possible. He wanted to moan and call Taeyong's name, and give in to the pleasure completely, but he forced himself not to make a sound. Taeyong, like he sensed his struggle, caught his lips again in a bruising kiss as his pace picked up. Jaehyun knew he was close, his muscles clenching, his mind filled with heat. He couldn't focus on kissing Taeyong, so he stayed close to him, panting into his mouth.

Jaehyun came hard, whispering _Taeyong hyung_ , desperate, spent. His body turned to jelly, all the tension in his muscles dissipating, and he had to grip the counter to keep himself from sinking to the ground. His elbow hit the toothrush stand in his clumsy haste, a metallic clang echoing slightly in the quiet bathroom. Taeyong withdrew his hands. 

"Shh, Jae, careful," he whispered frantically. They listened, hearts pounding, for any sign that someone had woken up. Silence. Taeyong sighed in relief, body relaxing. 

"Sorry," Jaehyun whispered, biting his lip to keep himself from laughing. He didn't know why, but the situation seemed ridiculously funny.

Taeyong caught his eye and both of them burst into silent laughter. "Idiot," Taeyong whispered between bouts of laughter. Suddenly the night felt much friendlier, Taeyong's touch felt more intimate, like it didn't have to come with ominous implications, like it could be fun and happy and normal, like it should. 

Taeyong realized three things in that moment: one, Jaehyun looked incredibly beautiful with his lips swollen and faced flushed with post-orgasm bliss and he wanted to be the reason for Jaehyun to look like that for the rest of their lives, two, that he was still achingly hard but he wouldn't dare to ask Jaehyun for help, and three, that his hand was still sticky with Jaehyun's cum. He gently pushed Jaehyun aside and washed his hands, handing Jaehyun tissue to clean himself up. 

"Let's go?" Taeyong asked, pecking Jaehyun's cheek and picking up his t shirt.

"No," Jaehyun said.

"No? You want more?"

"Not me. You," Jaehyun whispered hesitantly. "What about you?"

"Jaehyunnie," Taeyong said softly. "You don't have to do that."

"I know," Jaehyun said, his voice teasing. His fingers were already pushing Taeyong's pajamas down, till his member sprang free. Jaehyun stroked languidly a few times before dropping to his knees. Taeyong sputtered.

"Jaehyun, you really don't..."

Jaehyun cut him off with a look. He hesitantly took Taeyong's member in his hand, pressing a kiss to the tip, tongue lapping at him before opening his mouth and taking Taeyong in. Taeyong's self restraint shattered, watching himself entering Jaehyun's mouth, slipping past his lips. He bobbed his head slowly, his hand fisting what he couldn't fit into his mouth. Once again, Jaehyun couldn't believe this was happening. It made him feel a little dirty, that he was enjoying the feeling of Taeyong's cock in his mouth. But at the same time, it made him feel special, that he was the only one who could touch him like that, that every other part of Taeyong may be for the world to see, but his pleasure-flushed face, his lust filled eyes, all of this was only for Jaehyun. 

Taeyong's hand fisted in Jaehyun's soft brown hair. Jaehyun looked up and met Taeyong's eyes, his mouth pulling off Taeyong's member momentarily. His lips were flushed, glossy, something burning hot behind his eyes.

"When did you get so fucking hot?" Taeyong managed to whisper. He looked wrecked.

Jaehyun laughed, his hand working up and down Taeyong's shaft while his mouth found a soft stretch of skin to attack. His teeth and tongue worked until he left a pretty red mark that satisfied him, scattering soft kisses over his abdomen, tongue dipping into his navel. Taeyong hissed.

Jaehyun's mouth found his member again, took him in deep, swallowed around him. Taeyong choked down a moan, tried his best not to thrust into Jaehyun's mouth but he couldn't help himself, his tip hitting the back of Jaehyun's throat, making him gag. Jaehyun pulled away, blinking away tears and Taeyong stroked his cheeks, apologizing profusely. Jaehyun just pushed his hands away and took him back in his mouth with a new hunger. It was only a few more moments before Taeyong felt himself coming. He pushed Jaehyun away, stroking himself, coming hard into his own hands.

He sank to the floor, not strong enough to stay standing, not after what Jaehyun had done to him. Jaehyun knelt between Taeyong's legs. It was his turn to take care of his hyung now, wiping him down with tissue, kissing him softly. Taeyong could taste his own precum mixing with the taste of Jaehyun's mouth. It made him unreasonably happy. They took a moment to let their hearts settle down before Jaehyun whispered "Now we can go."

 

The next morning Jaehyun's spirits were high, the smile on his face seemingly permanent. Taeyong was in the kitchen, getting milk out of the fridge for his cereal. Jaehyun was seated at the table with Doyoung, sipping on his coffee, exchanging a small knowing smile with Taeyong. 

One innocuous question cut through the air.

"Where were you last night?" Doyoung asked, looking at Jaehyun curiously.

Taeyong froze. Jaehyun's smile faltered. 

"What do you mean?"

"I woke up around two am and you weren't in bed. So I thought you were in the bathroom, and I went back to sleep, but then I woke up again like an hour later and you still weren't there. Where'd you go?"

"I was in the bathroom."

"That long?"

Jaehyun swallowed uncomfortably and Taeyong's heart sank. Jaehyun toyed with the handle of his coffee mug.

"Hyung I was gone for like fifteen minutes. You must have been really sleepy."

"I was pretty sure I checked the time on my phone," Doyoung mumbled, looking into his bowl.

"You must have seen it wrong, idiot," Taeyong said, his eyes briefly meeting Jaehyun's across the kitchen. The fear in Jaehyun's eyes didn't go unnoticed.

"Either that or he was really constipated," he joked, and Doyoung laughed and dropped the topic. Jaehyun looked at Taeyong with mock indignation, but truly he was grateful for Taeyong's intervention. At least now it felt more like light hearted banter than an interrogation.

Taeyong joined them at the table, his presence putting Jaehyun at ease.

 

They kept each other at a safe distance for the rest of the day. No room for any suspicion. 


	5. Five

Weeks went by in a blur. The only moments Jaehyun remembered were those he spent with Taeyong, those deep kisses, those wandering hands, those whispered confessions of fear, of need, of something nearing love. They never quite said it, because it wasn't quite love yet. It was those moments that kept Jaehyun from drowning in the weeks leading up to NCT U's debut.

The night before their debut stage, they didn't spend together, choosing instead to stay with the rest of the members. They shared apprehension, shared hopes and dreams, and assured each other that they'd make it, and they'd make it big. Taeyong played his part well, one of the hyungs, calm and strong. Jaehyun stored it all away, adding it his own personal list of reasons to fall terribly in love with Lee Taeyong.

In the seconds before they went onstage, Jaehyun took Taeyong's hand in his and gave it a quick reassuring squeeze, and received in return Taeyong's smile, fleeting, intimate. Their hands fell away before anyone saw the exchange, and then they were pushed onstage, blinding lights and a deafening roar, dreams moments from realization. 

That night, after all the excitement receded, after all the members fell asleep, Jaehyun sought Taeyong. They fell into each others arms, Taeyong whispering we did it Jaehyunnie, we fucking did it, and Jaehyun stood there smiling like a complete idiot.

The following weeks were equal measures of euphoria and fatigue, the duality of nature. Jaehyun's days went by with performances and talk show appearances and interviews punctuating his timeline. He couldn't tell one day from the next, really, but everything was so new, and people knew his name, and they screamed his name, and he liked it. They were all revelling in the novelty of everything, they had made it alright. 

 

Things fell apart, as things do. 

Everything Taeyong thought he had grown beyond and left behind, came back to haunt him. The article had come out once even before their debut, detailing all the things he had done as a middleschooler, all the things he was not proud of. The storm that had come down on Taeyong back then had left him close to broken, but he'd picked himself up, practiced that much harder, forced himself to earn his debut. The strain it had put on him and the rest of rookies was almost tangible. The fear that he might not be allowed to debut, coupled with the fear that he would be allowed to debut but the stain on his reputation would bring them all down.

That was a tough time, he had thought, but things got better, with the members supporting him, with his own perseverence. Jaehyun had been around, being clingy when he needed it and giving him space when he needed that, encouraging him gently when he thought he'd fall apart, and smiling his glorious smile. Thinking back now, perhaps that was when he'd started giving himself to Jaehyun. 

And now, days after NCT U'sdebut, they were all talking about it again.

Taeyong apologised for the way he had behaved, and he meant it. He was a kid when he did those things, just a dumb kid, a product of his circumstances, all half formed ideas of right and wrong. He didn't want to make excuses, he knew he had made a mistake, many mistakes. He had apologised. And he had done it again. And again. He had changed, grown up, given himself responsibilities and goals and he had worked himself to the point of exhaustion, to the point of nearly collapsing at the end of practices, he had made hismelf a better person, but it seemed like the world still wanted him to pay. 

He tried, but it seemed like nothing he had to give was quite enough.

 

Jaehyun wished they could see Taeyong like he saw him. Jaehyun really wished they could see the kind, patient, considerate man, responsible, silly at times, he wished they knew how much he cared, or how softly he loved.

Jaehyun looked over at Taeyong. His body seemed limp, like the life was sucked out of it, he looked tired and helpless sitting there looking out of the car window. His fatigue was evident, the dark under his eyes stark against his pale skin, getting paler everyday. They were returning from a recording, yet another talk show host urging him to talk about his past. Taeyong did what he was told, at every one of these appearances, there was a mention of his past, and he'd apologise again. The first few times, he braved it, and he was fine, but as the days went by, it seemed like nobody would let him forget the things he'd done, like he'd never be forgiven.

He was wrong to have acted like that, he knew that, and Jaehyun knew how hard he had worked to put it all behind him. He had told Jaehyun about it once, before any articles had come out. Taeyong had trusted him with a part of himself he had never shown anyone else, and Jaehyun had kept it safe inside his chest. And now the world was tearing him apart for his mistakes, and Jaehyun couldn't do anything but watch.

Jaehyun's eyes fell to Taeyong's hands, resting on his thighs. He reached out quietly, his own large, warm hand covering Taeyong's slender fingers. Taeyong didn't even look at him, but he turned his hand to fit into Jaehyun's, and he laced their fingers together. Jaehyun saw some of the tension in his shoulders dissipate, and he was glad for it.

 

It was late, but Jaehyun lay awake in his dark bedroom. He couldn't stop thinking about Taeyong. At first he was thinking about how hard it was for Taeyong, how he wished it would pass, how he wished he could make it all better. The cover of night had let his mind wander. He found himself wondering at how far they had come, from getting butterflies in his stomach when their fingers accidentally touched, to this, clandestine moments shared behind closed doors, sticky sweet kisses, an exploration of their desires, allowing themselves to feel for each other as deeply as they could. He wondered how long it would be before they'd have to stop. 

He was pulled back to reality when he heard a door opening, soft footsteps passing by his room. He knew it was Taeyong. He stayed in bed, wondering for a moment if he should just let him have his space, before he decided he'd check on him. Jaehyun got up, quietly letting himself out of the room.

He found Taeyong in the living room, on the couch, his head in his hands. He was facing away from Jaehyun, so he couldn't his face, but if he closed hs eyes he could picture the tiredness in Taeyong's eyes, and it made his stomach turn. He walked silently to the couch, leaning over the back, his hands sliding over Taeyong's shoulders, over his chest, arms wrapping around Taeyong's torso and pulling him into a gentle embrace, nuzzing against his cheek.

Taeyong's body tensed for a second before he relaxed into the familiar arms, the familiar scent.

"Jaehyunnie," he whispered. 

Jaehyun released him, choosing to climb over the back of the couch and settle next to Taeyong on the couch. He sat cross legged, facing Taeyong.

"Why are you up hyung?" he said softly.

Taeyong shook his head uncertainly. "I couldn't stop thinking."

"About?"

"You."

Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. He didn't expect that.

"I thought you couldn't sleep because... well," Jaehyun trailed off.

Taeyong swallowed, head hung low. "I was thinking. For something I did years ago, they damn near crucified me," he said, and then he paused, like he was waiting for the right words to find him. Jaehyun reached out and held his hand, silently encouraging him to talk. Taeyong continued. "What if they found out about us, what would they do? What if they did this to you?"

Jaehyun's heart sank. Taeyong looked up at him, like he wanted Jaehyun to say something and make all of this go away.

"Hyung," he said, swallowing down the lump in his throat, hands lifting to cup Taeyong's face. He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, but Taeyong didn't respond. His fingers curled around Jaehyun's wrists, pushing his hands away, whispering "Don't, Jaehyun. You know we shouldn't."

"What do you want to do then, hyung?" Jaehyun asked, his voice fractured.

"I think we should stop now," Taeyong said, blinking away his tears. 

 

It was too sudden. What Taeyong was saying was too much for Jaehyun to process. He sat there in silence. He knew Taeyong was looking at him, waiting for a response, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. He closed his eyes, chalking out what it would mean to end it.

No more kisses. No more falling into Taeyong's arms at the end of a long day. No more climbing into bed at night, sated, skin smelling like Taeyong. No more hands in his hair, on his body, no lips on his skin, no teeth, no tongue, no gasping pleasure, no sighing Taeyong's name, no more Taeyong. At least not the Taeyong that belonged only to him. 

He didn't know if he could go back to the way they were. A small part of him knew Taeyong was making sense, but his whole body screamed when he thought about ending what they had. 

Taeyong called out to him softly. "Say something," he said.

"Give me a second," he heard himself saying.

What about Taeyong, he thought. If they were to go back to being colleagues, if they were to stay away from each other, who would sit by Taeyong when he couldn't sleep? Who would hold his hand when the days got too long, when his whole body screamed fatigue? Who would calm him down with butterfly kisses, who would unravel him slowly, make him moan, make him weak in the knees like Jaehyun could?

He found the strength to speak. "Hyung. Just this once, be selfish."

Taeyong studied his face. Jaehyun took that as his cue to keep talking.

"You're tired and you're hurt and you need me in your life, because even if the whole world is shit, I'll still believe that you're a good, kind man,  and I'll always tell you how much you mean to me. So just this once, put the whole world aside, all your responsibilities and everything you're afraid of, and tell me you need me."

"Jaehyun, you see what's happening right now. What if they...?"

"I can handle myself, I'm a fucking adult. Stop worrying about me. Just be honest with me right now."

"Jae," he pleaded.

"Hyung, please. Don't push me away," Jaehyun said.

Taeyong hesitated for a moment before his front crumbled. "I need you. You're the only good thing in my life at this point. But I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared that they're going to find out, and they'll tear you apart and drag your name through the mud. I'll end up pulling you down and hurting you, when all I want to do is protect you and keep you happy."

"You make me happy" Jaehyun said slowly, weakly. "Can't you see, it's not just your need. I need you, too. I've never known anyone who made me feel like this. I'm swallowing my pride, hyung. I'm practically begging you not to leave me. I'm being selfish too. I want you all to myself, because I..."

Taeyong cut him off before he could say anything more. Before they could admit how deep this really ran. "Don't say it, Jaehyun."

"I want you to know, hyung."

Taeyong closed his eyes. "I know. I know what you want to say. Me too, Jaehyunnie. That's why this is so hard."

Jaehyun swallowed. "It doesn't have to be."

Taeyong nodded, but didn't say anything. He was tired, so tired. He'd spent half the night thinking of all the ways this could go wrong, painted himself into a corner, worked himself into a frenzy, deciding no, he didn't want Jaehyun to go through what was happening to him. And now Jaehyun was here, and Taeyong's fears were receding, he was saying all the right things, and Taeyong wondered at how easily he was being pulled back, back to Jaehyun, back to everything he had just decided to end. He knew he just wanted to give in to Jaehyun, and that scared him too. "What do you want, Jaehyun," he said.

"I want to be with you, and that's a choice I'm making for myself. I want you to be brave, and to trust that I can take care of myself."

All the right things. He couldn't fight Jaehyun.

"Okay."

He gave in. He leaned into Jaehyun's warmth, felt arms wrapping around him. 

"Okay?"

Taeyong nodded, eyes closed. This was so much easier.  

Unsaid words echoed in his ears. 

_Because I'm in love with you, hyung._

 

The next morning, Taeil found the two asleep on the couch, tangled up in each other's arms. He didn't wake them, and he didn't let the other members see. He wasn't stupid. He knew that something had been different between the two of them for the past few weeks, and he knew this wasn't as simple as Taeyong hurting and Jaehyun comforting. Taeil wasn't one to judge. He was just thankful Taeyong had found Jaehyun. 


	6. Six

Taeyong couldn't quite register what Ten was saying, but it sounded like he was inviting him to join him and the other members for coffee. He had stopped paying attention the second Ten had said they were all leaving the dorm for a while and Jaehyun wasn't going with them because according to Ten, he was being _a total potato_. Taeyong politely declined. He saw that Ten really wanted him to go with them and he felt a little bad, but really all he was thinking about was all the time he could spend with Jaehyun. 

"Really, Ten, I'm just too tired. I think I'll just watch a movie with Jaehyun or pass out or something," he said automatically. "You guys go ahead, have fun."

Ten relented, mumbling something irreverent about old age and Grandpa Taeyong, things that only Ten could get away with saying, before calling out to the other members.

In the midst of all the chaos, Taeyong let himself into Jaehyun's room quietly, shutting the door behind him. Jaehyun was lying in bed, reading, and he looked up when he saw a flash of silver hair out of the corner of his eye. Their eyes met across the room, and they held each other's gaze, silently listening to the noise in the hall as the members left. A small smile played on Jaehyun's lips.

"Hyung, we're leaving. We'll be back in a couple of hours," they heard Mark calling out, and then the sound of the front door slamming shut, and then silence. They had the dorm all to themselves.

"How long do we have?" Jaehyun asked breathlessly.

"Long enough."

Taeyong finally moved, crossing over to Jaehyun's bed, climbing in, kneeling in between Jaehyun's legs. Jaehyun closed his book and put it aside, Taeyong's body leaning over his, eyes soft, taking in the details of Jaehyun's face. This was so different from their stolen moments late at night, locked away in the bathroom. It was evening, diffuse light filtering through Jaehyun's window and lending everything an ethereal glow. They were in bed together, an actual bed, what a luxury. 

The sudden change in setting made them both a little shy, the fact that it was still day, the fact that they were in Jaehyun's bed, with Doyoung and Mark's beds just across the room, made them feel terribly exposed. Taeyong kissed Jaehyun a little deeper, Jaehyun smiling into the kiss, his arms coming up, linking around Taeyong's neck, drawing him closer. Their tongues tangled, the pace already familiar.

They kissed long and deep, Taeyong's lips swollen, bitten, Jaehyun's a shade to match when they finally broke the kiss. This wasn't like the other times. They weren't trying to take as much as they could from each other in a mad rush, smothering their cries of pleasure, trying to finish before anyone woke up and caught them. No, this was different. Jaehyun thought perhaps Taeyong wanted to take it slow this time, savor it.

It surprised him when Taeyong moved away and lay down beside him. Jaehyun blinked, missing the weight of Taeyong's body on his. He turned to his side to face Taeyong, suitably puzzled.

"Hyung?" he said. "Is something wrong?"

Taeyong replied by pulling Jaehyun closer by the waist, their legs tangled, their faces close. "Nope," he said. "This is just right."

Once again Jaehyun felt a smile tugging at his lips. "So you're telling me, that we have a bed, and the whole dorm to ourselves, and this is all you want to do with me?" Jaehyun said, unable to hide the smile in his words.

Taeyong nodded, moving forward to nuzzle against Jaehyun's neck. Jaehyun reeled. 

"Lee Taeyong," he said, thoroughly amused. "Are you a cuddler?"

"Maybe," Taeyong mumbled against Jaehyun's pale skin, his hands slipping under Jaehyun's shirt, trailing softly over the curve of his waist. "But like manly cuddling," he said.

"Mmm, yes. Very manly," Jaehyun replied, laughter in his eyes, pressing kisses to Taeyong's hair.

They stayed that way, wound together, until the light faded and darkness fell. They talked, they laughed, they shared old, old memories in an attempt to compensate for all the years they weren't in each other's lives. Night found them baring their souls to each other, Jaehyun's eyes filling with tears as he let Taeyong in to show him the lowest moments of his life. Taeyong kissed them away, held him tight, urged him to tell him everything. Bear witness, they said. This is me, this is my life, my childhood, my pain and my happiness, and I want to share it with you. I want you to know me inside out. I love you. Bear witness.

Hours passed, and Taeyong kissed Jaehyun softly, his lips lingering. "They should be coming back soon," he said, pulling away from Jaehyun, but he felt Jaehyun's arms pulling him right back. 

"Don't go, hyung," he whispered, burying his face in Taeyong's chest. Taeyong laughed, asking "Do you want them to see us like this?"

Jaehyun wanted to say yes, he wanted them to see, he wanted the whole world to know, he didn't want to hide, but the words died in his throat. He swallowed thickly and loosened his hold on Taeyong. One last peck and then Taeyong slipped away, his warmth still clinging to Jaehyun's body, his scent woven into Jaehyun's sheets. Jaehyun couldn't keep himself from closing his eyes and inhaling that lingering scent, clinging to the dregs of a beautiful evening. 

Taeyong entered his room and shut the door, throwing himself into bed. He lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. He felt safety and warmth and contentment settling softly over his body, feather soft, light as tulle. He hadn't felt that way in a long time. He found his hand lifting, his fingers touching his own lips, wondering at all the parts of himself and Jaehyun he had discovered.


	7. Seven

Taeyong stood in front of the apartment door, nervously keying in the password to the lock. Earlier that day, Jaehyun had texted him an address and a lock code, telling him to be there at 7pm. Taeyong had asked Jaehyun to elaborate, but Jaehyun hadn't said much else about the subject. Just be there, it's a surprise, he had said. Taeyong had obliged. It had been about two weeks since that lovely evening with Jaehyun, and truth be told, Taeyong was really starting to miss him. He'd close his eyes and find himself thinking about dimples, about a dark chocolate voice, about soft brown curls and then he'd have to force his eyes open and go back to work. So here he was, in an unfamiliar upmarket apartment building, opening the door to someobody's apartment and letting himself in, just because Jaehyun asked him to.

The place seemed empty, but he saw a familiar pair of shoes in the entryway. 

"Jaehyun?" he called out hesitantly. 

"Oh, hyung, you're here," he heard Jaehyun's voice replying from somewhere inside. He heard shuffling, footsteps, and then Jaehyun appeared from one of the rooms. He wrapped his arms around Taeyong's waist and kissed him softly before turning and disappearing into the kitchen. Taeyong still stood there, looking around and wondering what the hell he was supposed to be doing there.

"Aren't you coming in?" Jaehyun called from the kitchen. 

"Right, yes," Taeyong said, removing his shoes and slipping his feet into the house slippers placed neatly in the entryway. He followed Jaehyun into the kitchen and found him getting water from the fridge. He waited for Jaehyun to say something. Jaehyun offered the bottle to him, but Taeyong shook his head. "Jae, where are we and what are we doing here?" he asked, losing patience.

Jaehyun sipped his water before replying. "This is my cousin's place," he said. "He's not in town right now, so I asked him if I could borrow the apartment occasionally, and he said yes. The place is ours, hyung, for the next two weeks," he finished with a playful smile. 

"He agreed, just like that?"

"Well no, he asked me what I needed it for, because he thought I wanted to bring a girl here and do terrible things. But then I said some shit about the dorm getting too crowded sometimes and I need to get away and get some breathing space, but that I didn't want to go home and worry mum and dad. Then he felt really bad for his poor, overworked baby brother and that's why he agreed."

"Nice guy," Taeyong managed to say, but in truth, Taeyong's head was spinning. Too much to process, too many possibilities. They were alone in an apartment with nobody to interrupt them and nothing to be afraid of in the confines of those walls. He knew what he wanted to do, he wanted to strip the younger naked and put his hands and his mouth on that pale, beautiful skin and push him into bed and have his way with him. He wanted Jaehyun's arms around him and he wanted to trust Jaehyun with his body, with his everything, and try everything and Jesus, his head was spinning. But he couldn't tell him all that. He didn't know what the younger wanted. How far was he willing to go? 

"So what do you want to do here, Jaehyunnie?" he asked, something of a challenge in his words.

Jaehyun looked at him for a long moment, and Taeyong watched the little non-committal shake of his head, watched his mouth move. "I don't really know. I just wanted to be with you."

Taeyong smiled, a little fluttering in his chest. He reached for the younger tentatively, he pulled him close. He kissed him deeply, gently, his arms thrown over Jaehyun's neck and Jaehyun's hands finding the curve of Taeyong's waist. Taeyong's tongue sought Jaehyun's. It was warm against his own, velvet soft. But even through the building pleasure in his abdomen, he could tell something was wrong. Jaehyun wasn't being as open, as pliant, as giving as he usually was. Taeyong broke the kiss and looked at Jaehyun. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Jaehyun shook his head. "Nothing, just preoccupied."

Taeyong cupped Jaehyun's face. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing, really."

"You're a terrible liar."

"Okay, fine, if you really want to know, I'll tell you." Jaehyun sighed. "I'm thinking I want to... That i don't want to just, you know. We're here, and I think we should try something else... I'm not making any sense am I?"

Taeyong shook his head. "Not even a little bit."

Jaehyun smiled and closed his eyes, feeling a wave of heat climbing his neck, his face flushing hot. He swallowed. "I'm thinking I want to do it. With you."

"Do what?"

Jaehyun blinked at Taeyong. He didn't want to say it. It scared him. 

"You want to have sex with me?"

Jaehyun nodded, burying his face in the crook of Taeyong's neck. He wasn't being shy or bashful, even though Taeyong's directness had made him flinch, he really wasn't. He was thinking, that a quick handjob in a bathroom or an empty dorm was one thing, but making love to each other was something else altogether. He didn't know if Taeyong wanted that. He didn't even really know if he could handle it. It was Taeyong hyung, and Jaehyun was in love, and he wanted to feel everything Taeyong could give him, but he was scared, and he had no fucking idea if that was the right thing for him. He'd been thinking about it so hard, he'd given himself a headache, and even though he didn't want his hyung to find out, Taeyong read him, and now it was being pulled out in the open. 

Taeyong could sense Jaehyun's turmoil, and his hands slid into the younger's hair, fingers carding through, hoping to make him relax. Jaehyun wrapped his arms around Taeyong's waist, hugged him tight. Taeyong knew that wasn't the whole story. Something was bothering Jaehyun.

"Jaehyun," Taeyong began carefully, but Jaehyun cut him off.

"Forget I said anything, hyung."

"Jaehyun, look at me."

Jaehyun reluctantly straightened up, his eyes meeting Taeyong's.

"You need to tell me exactly what you're thinking."

Jaehyun took a deep breath. "Look, I know this isn't permanent, you and I, this thing. I know it has to end sometime," he said, feeling a soft ripple of sadness inside him. He continued. "If it has to end, I want to end it without any regrets, without any what ifs. I want this, I'm ready for this. It's just that I don't know if it's smart to invest any more in something that's fated to end. That's what I'm thinking. And I'm sure you must be thinking it, too, so tell me what to do, hyung."

Taeyong didn't say anything for a long while. _I know it has to end sometime._ It stuck somewhere in his chest, those unvarnished words rang true in his ears.

"Alright," Taeyong said at length. "You're right. I've been thinking about it as well, and God, I want you so bad. But you need to understand that I've done this before. This is your first. Don't let our circumstances pressure you into making the wrong decision. Don't rush in. Clear your mind, and do what's healthy and right for you, do you understand? If you want me to wait, I'll wait. If you decide you don't want it at all, that's fine too."

Jaehyun nodded. "I want this," he said decisively. "I want you."

He fell back ino Taeyong's embrace, nervous, breathless. "Only if you're sure," Taeyong said softly.

"I'm sure." 

Taeyong held him for a long while, leaving it to Jaehyun to make the first move whenever he was ready.

Jaehyun shifted in his arms, his breathing finally under control. He raised a hand to Taeyong's face, letting his thumb stroke those lovely high cheekbones, and Taeyong smiled, true and sweet. He pressed his lips to Taeyong's, one tantalizing kiss, slowly working his mouth open and Taeyong sighed. It felt right this time, the same familiar tickle of pleasure in his abdomen when Jaehyun's tongue found his. Taeyong's hands fisted in Jaehyun's shirt, pulling him closer. Jaehyun's hand slid to Taeyong's neck, gripping tight. Their kisses got deeper, got bruising, they wanted to explore each other and their mouths and tongues just weren't enough. Taeyong's hands found the front of Jaehyun's shirt, unbuttoning it and pushing it off his chest so he could look at that beautiful expanse of unblemished skin. His hands ran down the planes of muscle, fingers ghosting over his nipples, and Jaehyun sighed, his head falling forward and his hands coming up to cover Taeyong's. "Does your cousin have a guest bedroom?" Taeyong said, his voice low, his teeth catching Jaehyun's earlobe. 

Jaehyun nodded, holding his hand and leading him into one of the rooms. He shut the door behind him, even though there was nobody else at home, feeling oddly naked already. Taeyong had him pressed against the door, pressing little nibbling kisses to his lips before pulling him towards the bed. He pushed him gently, indicating for him to lie back. Jaehyun complied, making himself comfortable, and Taeyong lowered himself between his legs. He ran his hands over Jaehyun's chest again, he couldn't get enough of that beautiful body, so his mouth joined in, finding soft skin over taut muscle, teeth sinking in to mark him possessively. Jaehyun gasped, his muscles clenched, he could feel his skin growing hot under Taeyong's hands. He wanted to see Taeyong's skin, to touch it. His hands tugged at the hem of Taeyong's t shirt, Taeyong straightening up momentarily to pull it off. 

Taeyong lowered his body onto Jaehyun's, his weight on his hands. His mouth dipped down to catch Jaehyun's lips, already red and swollen, and Jaehyun strained up into the kiss. He felt Jaehyun's arms coming around his torso, pulling him down on top of him. Feeling Jaehyun's hot skin against his own sent Taeyong stumbling into a frenzy. Jaehyun's hands ran down Taeyong's back, pushing down on his lower back, urging Taeyong's hips to push forward. Taeyong obliged, the very first roll of his hips had their arousals grinding together, and they moaned into the kiss. The second had Jaehyun's hips thrusting up to meet him, and he thought his skin would burn from the heat. 

Taeyong broke their kiss briefly. "Jaehyunnie," he said softly. "Are you sure you're comfortable with me topping?"

Jaehyun nodded breathlessly. "I want to feel you inside me," he whispered, and then a little mischievous smile appeared in his eyes. "Next time it's my turn, though."

Taeyong was so turned on in that single moment by the thought of Jaehyun pushing him down and fucking him into the mattress, it shocked him. Next time would definitely be Jaehyun's turn, he thought. It made him feel warm inside, thinking there was no dominance in their relationship, only a shared vulnerability. It made him feel warm inside, thinking of a next time.

He kissed Jaehyun hard, his hand slipping down to palm Jaehyun's arousal. Jaehyun choked down a moan, and Taeyong gently reminded him that he could moan all he wanted, nobody would hear them. Jaehyun's face flushed, Taeyong chuckling quietly, his hands unbuttoning Jaehyun's jeans. Jaehyun raised his hips and Taeyong tugged his jeans and underwear off, tossing them off the bed. Jaehyun was completely naked, spread out in front of him, so beautiful and all his. He was so overwhelmed by it all. The arousal flooding his system, the trust in Jaehyun's eyes, the sight of his pale, smooth thighs, parted to make room for Taeyong. He lowered himself to suck a red blooming mark into Jaehyun's inner thigh, his hands softly trailing over the sensitive skin there, and Jaehyun moaned, low and deep. His mouth kissed around Jaehyun's arousal, little teasing pecks and the scrape of teeth over sharp hipbones. Jaehyun was already breathing hard when he took his member in his mouth briefly, a small teasing suck to show him what would follow.

Taeyong straightened up, his arms wrapping around Jaehyun's thighs to pull him closer, to have his thighs draped over his own. He knew it would be easier for Jaehyun like this, less painful, to have his hips raised slightly off the bed. "Comfortable?" he asked. Jaehyun nodded. Taeyong raised his hand and pressed his fingers against Jaehyun's lips. "Suck," he said.

Jaehyun parted his lips and took Taeyong's fingers in his mouth. He felt the knuckles slipping past his lips, he felt Taeyong watching him, and it turned him on, his stomach doing backflips. His eyes fluttered shut and he let his tongue work Taeyong's fingers like it was actually his cock in his mouth. He felt the spit slick fingers withdrawing and he opened his eyes to see Taeyong looking at him like he was on the verge of losing control. The fingers pushed back in slowly, and Jaehyun moaned despite himself. It was something about the way Taeyong was looking at him, like he was the sexiest thing in the world, like he was driving him crazy, it made his body ache with arousal.

Taeyong finally withdrew his fingers, his mouth replacing them. He kissed Jaehyun gently, pressing his finger to Jaehyun's entrance. "Relax, Jaehyunnie," he whispered against Jaehyun's mouth before kissing him again. Jaehyun felt the breach of his entrance as his body relaxed and allowed Taeyong in. He inhaled sharply. Taeyong released his lips. "Are you okay?" he asked choosing instead to press soft kisses to his jaw, to make him tremble, to make him smile, to make him comfortable. Jaehyun nodded. He moved his hand, slowly thrusting, mouthing a wet trail down Jaehyun's chest, down to his member. He took him in his mouth, thick, flushed, leaking, his fingers still working Jaehyun open. Jaehyun's fingers tangled in Taeyong's beautiful silver hair, and Taeyong looked up at him, his mouth full, his eyes full of Jaehyun.His body tensed as he felt the second finger pushing in, he felt every bit of it, his head tipping back. 

Jaehyun remembered what it had felt like, how vulnerable he had been the first time Taeyong had timidly pressed their lips together, how liberating it had felt when he dropped to his knees and wrapped his lips around Taeyong's length months ago. How far they'd come. He felt that same vulnerability again, like he was giving Taeyong everything and trusting him to keep it safe. He could die here, he thought, drown in Taeyong. How fucking cheesy.

Taeyong's mouth and hands pulled him tight, made his muscles clench and his toes curl, one particularly hard suck and a curious tongue when a third finger pushed into him. This one hurt. Jaehyun's eyes screwed shut and he couldn't stop himself when his hand slipped out of Taeyong's hair and pushed against his shoulder. Taeyong released his member and his fingers stopped moving. "Too much? Do you want me to stop?" he asked worriedly.

"Don't stop," Jaehyun breathed out. He felt Taeyong's fingers slipping out and he frantically grabbed his wrist. "Hyung, please don't stop."

Taeyong gently slipped his hand out of Jaehyun's grasp, out of his entrance, whispering "Jaehyun, I don't want to hurt you."

He pressed a kiss to Jaehyun's cheek, a silent apology for his impatience. "If this hurts, you won't be able to take me," he said. "It'll hurt really bad."

"I can take it," he said, but the uncertainty in his voice betrayed him.

Taeyong shook his head. "We need lube. Why don't you wait here, and I'll go see if your cousin owns some lotion or something we could use."

Jaehyun nodded and smiled sheepishly. "Okay, that might be a better idea."

Jaehyun waited for Taeyong, impatient and nervous and incredibly aroused, all at the same time. His arousal clouded his mind, the thought of Taeyong entering him clotting his rationality. He had no fear left, only lust.

Taeyong came back into the room holding a white bottle. Jaehyun sat up. 

"I think this'll work," he said, standing at the foot of the bed. "You think he'll mind if we use it?"

"Who cares," Jaehyun said, moving towards Taeyong, kneeling in front of him. His hands reached for Taeyong's jeans, unbuttoning, pushing down. Taeyong helped, stepping out of his jeans and underwear. Jaehyun's hands found his member and stroked languidly, and Taeyong bent down to press a kiss to Jaehyun's mouth.

"Lie back down," he said softly, leaving a breathless Jaehyun scrambling backwards. Taeyong crawled into bed, his hands spreading Jaehyun's legs, lotion-coated fingers slipping into his entrance once, just to make sure he was ready. The slide was smooth, and it left Jaehyun gasping with pleasure, and Taeyong was satisfied. He quickly covered himself with the makeshift lube and lined himself with Jaehyun's entrance.

"Jaehyun," he whispered. "Look at me."

Jaehyun realized he had closed his eyes tight, like he was terrified of what was happening. He felt Taeyong caressing his face and Jaehyun felt his body relaxing. He opened his eyes and kept his gaze on Taeyong, only Taeyong, the way his teeth dug into his lower lip, his beautiful eyes, soft silver hair framing the sharp planes of his face. It took his breath away, and that's all Jaehyun saw as he felt Taeyong pushing into him. He was breathing hard, and it reminded Jaehyun to breathe, too. Taeyong pushed all the way in, and he felt so full. The stretch was uncomfortable but it was what he had craved, _oh god_ , Taeyong was inside him. He closed his eyes, feeling Taeyong's weight on him as he leaned down to press his lips to his temple, whispered praises, how well he had taken it, how beautiful he was, so, so, beautiful.

"Move, hyung," Jaehyun said, soft, needy. 

He felt Taeyong's hips pulling back, the unfamiliar drag against his insides, he felt him pushing back gently. He was getting used to the feeling, the thought of his body being connected to Taeyong's, of being the closest they could possibly be, sent waves of pleasure through him. When he opened his eyes he felt his stomach tying itself in knots inside him, the intimacy of their shared moment hitting him only when he saw Taeyong's face. Taeyong angled his hips and pushed in again, and Jaehyun felt a pleasure in his body he couldn't localize, it rippled through him and left him gasping. Taeyong smiled, rolling his hips back in and revelling in the way Jaehyun moaned his name, the way his hands came up to fist in his hair and pull him down for a kiss. 

Taeyong built up their pace, gently taking Jaehyun there, mindful of what the younger wanted, what was too much for him to take. His thusts grew faster, harder, until Jaehyun was whimpering, and he felt his own mind clouding over. The tight confines of Jaehyun's insides were driving him insane, an intoxicating pleasure pulling at him. He was so close. He was maddeningly hard even before he had entered Jaehyun, just watching his fingers disappearing into Jaehyun had him light headed. This, Taeyong thought, was ecstasy. 

Jaehyun had never felt aroused like this, like Taeyong had touched something inside him that made him feel this way. He felt like the beginnings of an orgasm were stretched over this entire time, the same unraveling feeling washing over him with every thrust of Taeyong's hips, and he could see he was having the same effect on Taeyong. It made him melt. He couldn't take it anymore, he was coming apart. His body tensed, pressing down on Taeyong, amplifying his pleasure. Taeyong's hand found Jaehyun's arousal, stroking in time with his hips, and Jaehyun came hard over Taeyong's hand, hands fisting in the sheets, moaning into Taeyong's mouth. Taeyong's hands kept moving and his hips kept pushing into him through his orgasm, and Jaehyun's back arched beautifully off the bed. He thought he might die, he couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he felt so good.

When the last vestiges of Jaehyun's orgasm faded, Taeyong's hips stilled and he pulled back, but Jaehyun wrapped his legs around him to keep him in place.

"Keep going," he said in a small voice, and it broke Taeyong. A few more thrusts into Jaehyun's body and Taeyong came hard inside him, his body crumpling onto the younger, Jaehyun embracing him and pressing soft kisses into his hair. They caught their breaths, and Taeyong pulled out and rolled onto his back. 

"Hey. You okay?" he whispered, spent, reaching out to caress Jaehyun's face.

Jaehyun looked at him, hair tousled, lips swollen, looking blissfully tired, and he nodded. Taeyong smiled and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

He rolled into Jaehyun's side and curled against his body. Jaehyun wrapped his arms around him and Taeyong rested his head on Jaehyun's chest, an arm and a leg thrown possessively over him. 

"Jaehyunnie," he mumbled into Jaehyun's skin. Jaehyun hummed. "There's no turning back now, is there?"

"What do you mean, hyung?"

"I mean, if we've come this far, there's really no point holding anything back now, is there?"

"Hyung, I'm too tired to think right now."

"Jaehyunnie?"

Jaehyun chuckled. "What is it hyung?"

"I love you."

Jaehyun froze. He wrapped his arms tighter around Taeyong. 

"I love you, too, Hyung."


	8. Eight

The next morning, Jaehyun woke up gloriously late. The half hour that followed was a mad rush, Jaehyun scrambling to get dressed in time for their schedule. He was in the bathroom brushing his teeth when Taeyong found him. 

"Morning," he said and Jaehyun mumbled a reply with his toothbrush still in his mouth, and a rising warmth in his cheeks. He couldn't quite look at Taeyong without remembering that something like ten hours ago, they were inextricably tangled up in each other, without revelling in that sweet confession.

He rinsed his mouth out and turned to Taeyong, pecking him on the lips and saying "Hyung, get out. I need to shower."

Taeyong shook his head and wrapped his arms around Jaehyun. "I think I'll stay," he said, teasing.

"Hyung we're going to be late," Jaehyun whined. 

Taeyong laughed, bright and happy, nuzzling into Jaehyun's neck. "How are you?" he said softly, words sinking into Jaehyun's skin.

Jaehyun softened. "I'm okay hyung," he said, his lips meeting Taeyong's in a deep kiss. Jaehyun pulled away shortly, pushing Taeyong towards the door. "Now seriously, get out."

Taeyong finally relented. "Okay, fine, I'm going," he said, pulling a face at Jaehyun before letting himself out.

Minutes after Taeyong left, Jaehyun still found himself unable to wipe the stupid grin off his face, feeling a sort of warmth settling inside him. He could get used to this, he thought.

 

Jaehyun stretched, trying to get the stiffness out of his muscles. It had been an hour's drive to the venue and another hour of waiting for Taeil and Doyoung to finish their hair and makeup. He stood in front of the mirror, his eyes taking in the chaos of the dressing room: Taeil and Doyoung went off into a corner warming up their voices for their upcoming performance. The three of them were up first, for Without You, and the rest of NCT U would join later for The 7th Sense. It followed that the others were still to get their hair and makeup done, Mark and Ten laughing and goofing off, Taeyong shushing them, while Jaehyun surrendered his face to the makeup artists. 

But all the while the noona dabbed at his face and eyes, Jaehyun felt an unpleasant crawling sensation on the back of his neck, the kind you feel when there are eyes on you. He rolled his shoulders like that would dissipate the sensation and his eyes scanned the room, but neither of those actions changed anything. It was only after his hair was done and he stood up, that unshakeable feeling still making his muscles tense, that he saw it. 

It all happened in a flash. He was inspecting his hair in the mirror, he was raising a hand to fix one wayward strand, and then the hem of his shirt was lifting, a narrow strip of his abdomen coming into view, and then the bright red mark Taeyong had left there two days ago was on full display, stark against his pale skin. His breath caught in his throat and his hand dropped back down, pulling his shirt down. In that same moment his eyes frantically scanned the room to check if anyone had seen, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone quickly averting their gaze. He turned in that direction and saw one of the stylists hurriedly sorting through a bunch of clothes.

Jaehyun's heart hammered in his chest. Had she seen? Jaehyun didn't know.

 

A week had passed since that day in the dressing room, and Jaehyun found himself unable to relax. He'd find himself overanalysing every look, every whisper, every smile that the coordi-noonas exchanged, but he never heard anything pertaining to him. It scared him, the idea that someone might have found out about Taeyong and him. He couldn't tell Taeyong about it because it would scare the older even more and he'd end everything.

He was on edge, and people were beginning to notice. Doyoung had even draped an arm around his shoulders to ask him if he was okay. "You seem a little jumpy these days," he had said. Jaehyun had vehemently denied everything, of course.

He just couldn't relax.

 

Taeyong read the text on his screen once again. _Hyung, I really need to see you tonight. Apartment, whenever your schedule gets done._

He was glad for it. Jaehyun had been a little off for the past few days, but the younger had refused to talk to him about it despite his repeated prodding. He hoped tonight would be the night Jaehyun opened up to him, so he could finally stop feeling so helpless. He really hoped it was nothing too serious.

He had just entered the lobby of the apartment building and was crossing over to the elevators when he saw Jaehyun's familiar broad shoulders just ahead of him. He didn't call out to him. No need to attract attention. He entered the elevator after Jaehyun, and he couldn't help but laugh quietly behind his mask at Jaehyun's surprise when his eyes found Taeyong's face in the crowd that had pushed into the elevator. They kept their heads down and their interactions to a minimum in that confined space till they reached their floor, excusing themselves and stepping out into the empty corridor. The doors slid closed behind them and Jaehyun was already pulling Taeyong into his arms.

"Jaehyunnie wait," Taeyong breathed out. "Wait till we're inside."

Jaehyun's hand found the back of Taeyong's neck, and an instant later, his lips found Taeyong's. Taeyong's eyes widened, his hands coming up in a rush of panic to push flat against the younger's chest, but he was being kissed with passion he had never known before, and he couldn't fight it. His hands stayed limp on Jaehyun's chest for a moment before he was giving in and his eyes were closing and his hands were sliding up over his shoulders, linking around his neck. 

The corridor stretched long and empty beyond them, and they stood in the middle of the space, just two boys kissing. Taeyong felt Jaehyun's body pushing against his, walking him backwards to the third door on the right, their lips still connected in an exploring kiss. His back hit the door, but Jaehyun didn't relent, his mouth only leaving Taeyong's to press against the curve of his neck. Taeyong exhaled shakily, his eyes shut tight. Jaehyun's hand fumbled blindly with the buttons on the door panel. He managed to press the right ones, he didn't know how, but the lock beeped a happy three-tone beep and he was twisting the handle and they were inside their little haven.

The apartment was dark, but they didn't care, shoes toed off and jackets discarded in seconds. Taeyong was pushed onto the couch and Jaehyun's shirt was off  and he was on top of him before Taeyong knew what was happening.Their mouths tangled again, Taeyong's hands pulling Jaehyun close. He couldn't believe this was happening. Modest, reticent Jaehyun who needed to be coaxed gently into kissing with tongue, who was so hesitant when he first pressed his lips to Taeyong's cock. That happy, goofy overgrown baby,  was this really him?

Jaehyun ground his hips down, and Taeyong groaned. He could feel himself getting harder and he wanted Jaehyun's hands on his skin, his mouth around his cock. Taeyong pushed up to meet Jaehyun's movements, to seek more of that delicious pressure, and it had Jaehyun moaning out into his mouth. Taeyong let his teeth sink into Jaehyun's lower lip, and he smiled, satisfied with the gasp of pleasure and surprise he received. Jaehyun broke the kiss to catch his breath and Taeyong took the opportunity to speak. 

"What's with you?" he asked.

"I just missed you,' Jaehyun replied, pressing wet kisses to Taeyong's neck. 

"I've unleashed a monster," Taeyong managed to breathe out, laughing, and Jaehyun chuckled against his skin.

Their moment was brought to a halt by the sound of Jaehyun's phone ringing, and Jaehyun whined, burying his face in the crook of the other's neck. Taeyong let out a little hiss of impatience and his hands slid over Jaehyun's back, reaching into his back pocket and retrieving his phone.

"It's Manager-hyung," he said, swiping across the screen and holding the phone to Jaehyun's ear.

"Hello? Yes, hyung?" Jaehyun mumbled, half into the phone and half into Taeyong's neck, with barely concealed impatience.

Jaehyun straightened up and sat back on his heels. "Can you hear me now?" he said. 

 


	9. Chapter 9

“Yeah, hyung. I’m at my cousin’s place. Yeah, Hannam-dong. I told you I’d swing by and see him, didn’t I?”

Taeyong tensed up. His eyes focused on Jaehyun’s expression, watching the way his teeth worried his lower lip.

“Oh, I must have forgotten. Sorry for worrying you, hyung. Did you need anything?”

There was a pause.

“Okay then, hyung. Bye.”

Jaehyun cut the call and put the phone away, but he didn’t fall back into Taeyong’s arms. Taeyong’s fingers hooked into Jaehyun’s belt loops, an effort to bring Jaehyun’s attention back to him, to make his worried expression soften. “What was that all about?” he asked.

Jaehyun shrugged. “He just wanted to know where I am.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s weird.”

Jaehyun shrugged again, as if dismissing the subject, and hovered over Taeyong. He smiled softly at the older, distracting him from the phone call. Jaehyun knew that call was weird. The manager was checking up on him. That meant management knew something, maybe not the whole story, maybe not about Taeyong, but they knew that Jaehyun was doing things he wasn’t supposed to.

It scared him, but he didn’t want to care. He wanted to be here, in this moment with Taeyong. He wanted to say _fuck all of you, he makes me happy, deal with it._ And he wanted to hear Taeyong say the same thing. He couldn’t stop his stupid mouth.

“Hyung,” he said, his voice low and tight. “If everyone found out about us, would you still be with me? Would you tell them to go to fuck themselves?”

Taeyong frowned and his hands came up to caress Jaehyun’s face. “Did something happen?”

“Tell me if you'd pick me, hyung.”

“Jaehyun, what happened?”

"Just tell me."

"Why won't you answer me?"

“Why won’t you, hyung?” Jaehyun shot back.

Taeyong couldn’t say anything. If management found out? If the fans found out? He didn’t know. He didn’t know if he could brave another witch hunt. He felt Jaehyun's eyes on him, searching. Taeyong’s lips parted but the words wouldn’t come out. Jaehyun sensed his hesitation and he couldn’t stop the hurt from crawling into his eyes.

“Couldn’t you just have lied to make me feel better, hyung?” he said, pulling away, putting distance between them. He sat back on the couch, breathing slow, wondering why he was so helpless around Taeyong.

Taeyong sat up hurriedly. “Jaehyun, wait.”

“Forget I asked, hyung,” Jaehyun said.

Taeyong sat there in uncomfortable silence, struggling to understand what was happening. They were fine, five minutes ago, Jaehyun was fine. They were kissing, they were happy, nothing bad was happening for once, so what the hell was all this about?

They were having a good time, _right up until that phone rang_. And then suddenly Jaehyun was pushing him away. Taeyong had a bad feeling, like something ominous was lurking, waiting to dismantle their happiness. He knew the younger was hiding something, something that scared him, and made him unsure of himself, something that made him turn to Taeyong for reassurance. And Taeyong knew he had failed him, he had hesitated, he hadn’t said what he should have said.

“Jaehyunnie,” he said softly. “Jung Jaehyun,” he said again.

He climbed into Jaehyun’s lap, straddled him. He brushed Jaehyun’s hair off his face, leaning in to press his lips to Jaehyun’s eyelids, his cheeks, his lips. He kissed him over and over, until he felt that resistance dissolving, until he had him kissing back.

“Can’t you just be happy that we’re here, together, right now? Be in love with me, for now. Be honest with me, trust me, tell me what you’re afraid of and ask me to make it better, and I’ll do the same,” Taeyong said, imploring. “I don’t know what kind of shit storm we’d be thrown into if people were to find out about us. I don’t know what our families would say, I don’t know if we could stay together. I don’t want to make empty promises.”

Jaehyun’s arms wrapped tight around Taeyong’s waist. Taeyong continued speaking, that gentle, composed voice sinking into Jaehyun’s skin.

“But I can swear to you that I love you. I’ll always love you, even if we’re not together. Isn’t that enough?”

Jaehyun’s eyes were shut tight, and he nodded. “I don’t need anything more, hyung,” he said, and he felt Taeyong’s lips on his. He let the older kiss him, his hands gripping the planes of Taeyong’s back.

Jaehyun broke the kiss. “I have to tell you something,” he said, his voice tight like he was fighting back a storm. “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you’d leave, but now… If you have to leave, that’s okay, I think I can be okay with that now.”

“What is it?” Taeyong said, his heart in his throat. He trailed his fingers over Jaehyun’s skin soothingly, encouraging him to speak.

“I think they know. The mark you left right here,” Jaehyun fingers trailed over the fading purple remnants of the bruise.  “I think one of the coordi-noonas saw it.”

Taeyong felt the life drain out of him. He sort of knew this was coming, the way Jaehyun was acting, but he still wasn’t prepared for this. _Not yet, not so soon, no._

“I don’t think they know it was you, but I guess I’m officially being watched.”

“Is that why hyung called you just now?”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

“Jesus,” Taeyong breathed, his shoulders slumping. Jaehyun held him tighter. He felt it in his bones that the end was near. They had fucked up, and it was just too risky to keep going now, he knew that, and he was beginning to make peace with it. Beginning. For the most part, he felt like he was being taken apart from the inside, 

The silence was broken by the sound of the phone ringing, Taeyong’s this time. Taeyong pulled it out of his pocket. “It’s Taeil hyung,” he said. Jaehyun nodded, indicating for him to take the call. He answered, “Hello hyung?” he said, standing up.

“Taeyong-ah,” came Taeil’s voice. “Listen, I need to talk to you about something important. Are you free?”

“Yeah hyung, what is it?”

“Has Manager-hyung called you?”

“No,” Taeyong said, a little wary now.

“Oh. Good, good. He’s uh, he’s been talking to the members. About Jaehyun. He’s asking if he has a girlfriend or something like that. He hasn’t called you, then?”

Taeyong felt his throat closing up. “Ah, no hyung. Not yet,” he managed to say.

“Okay,” he said. “And Taeyong-ah…” He could hear Taeil struggling to say something on the other end of the line. “You and Jaehyun. Don’t come home together tonight, okay?”

Taeyong closed his eyes, his breath stopping. Silence stretched across the ether. “How long have you known?”

Taeil fumbled with his words. “A while now. I mean, I didn’t know for sure till just now, but I sort of figured.” Taeil laughed awkwardly. “It’s none of my business, really.”

“Does anyone else know?”

“No, no. I haven’t told anyone. The rest of them are still trying to get over the idea of Jaehyun having a girlfriend.”

Taeyong felt such a surge of gratitude and affection for his awkward bumbling hyung, he thought he’d cry.

“Thank you, hyung. For taking care of us.”

“Oh my god. Stop making it weird,” he chuckled. “It’s going to be difficult now, isn’t it?” he said after a long moment.

“Yeah,” Taeyong said, with a weary laugh. “You could say that.”

“I’m sorry it's turning out like this,” he said. “Talk to me if you need to. You take care now."

“Thank you, hyung. Good night.”

Taeyong cut the call, his hand dropping limply to his side. He turned around and found Jaehyun, fully dressed, staring at him wide-eyed.

“Taeil hyung knows?”

Taeyong nodded and Jaehyun groaned and buried his face in his hands.

“Just him,” Taeyong said. “He won’t tell anyone. Management doesn’t know about me for sure. They think it’s a girl.”

Jaehyun nodded grimly. They stayed in silence until Taeyong spoke up. “I think you should go back now, Jaehyunnie. I’ll come later. We don’t want them thinking we were together.”

Jaehyun looked like he wanted to say something, but he gave up and nodded again.

“Is this the end, then?” he said.

“I guess so. We can’t take the risk.” Taeyong didn’t even know his mouth was moving, but he heard his voice break.

Taeyong didn’t know when Jaehyun crossed the distance between them or when they wrapped their arms around each other, he didn’t know how many minutes ticked past with him in Jaehyun’s arms, and when they broke the embrace, he didn’t know who pulled away first. He felt Jaehyun’s lips against his in the softest kiss they had ever shared, one last fleeting ghost of lips against his temple, whispered declarations of love exchanged hurriedly, and then Jaehyun turned around and left. It all happened so fast.

Taeyong couldn’t move. 


	10. Ten

Jaehyun had left the apartment half an hour ago, completely numb, like nothing that had happened that night had registered. He heard his phone buzzing and he checked it, seeing a text from the manager. _Meeting at SM tomorrow at 2. I’ll take you there after the morning event._

Jaehyun blinked at his phone, continuing to walk, and things began to sink in. With trembling hands he typed out a reply.

_Just me, hyung? What’s this about?_

The reply was prompt: _Yes, just you. There are some issues management would like to discuss. That’s all I’m saying for now._

That was when it all came down on him, hit him like a fucking train, and he felt himself unable to stand up straight, unable to breathe, like his chest was constricting. He found his brisk pace faltering, and he came to a stop, unable to put one foot in front of the other. He felt himself swaying, and his breath came in short gasps that didn’t reach his chest, and he reached out to grip the wall for support.

 _Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck._ Everything was collapsing. Jaehyun was fucking scared.

He didn’t know how to handle this. He didn’t know how to keep his career safe.

He needed Taeyong. He needed his advice and his composure, his warmth and safety. But when Jaehyun needed him most, he couldn’t be there, because he was part of the problem. Jaehyun closed his eyes, and he couldn’t see anything but Taeyong’s long black eyelashes, his beautiful eyes, his slender fingers, soft silver hair, just Taeyong, Taeyong, Taeyong. Jaehyun felt like he’d be consumed by this infinite loop of fuck ups. He was losing the man he loved to the life he had always dreamt of. What a lovely conundrum _._

Oh God, he thought. How did this get so far out of hand?

He took a deep breath. Then he took several more. That calmed him a little, cleared his mind enough to allow one coherent thought through.

He needed advice. He’d ask one the seniors, he decided. This kind of thing must have happened before. He’d ask his favorite hyung. He typed in a name on his phone, his thumb hovering over the call button, debating whether or not he should do this. He didn’t know what tipped him over the edge but he let himself press the button, apprehensively holding the phone to his ear.

It rang a few times before the call was answered.

“Hello?” came the voice on the other end.

“Sunbae?” he said, unable to keep the tension out of his voice. “I’m sorry for disturbing you. Are you busy? I need to talk to you about something.”

“Jaehyun? Uh, can you give me ten minutes? I’ll call you back,” he said. “Are you okay?” he added as an afterthought.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I just… please call me back.”

Jaehyun hung up, feeling a little more at ease, now that he had some sort of direction. He found an empty park in the neighborhood and decided to sit there while he waited. At least there was no one there to recognize him.

Thirty minutes ticked by as Jaehyun sat there in suffocating darkness, waiting for the phone to ring. He was beginning to think it never would, laughing at himself for expecting Kim Junmyeon to give a shit about some newbie kid and his problems, when the screen lit up and he heard that familiar buzz.

His heart leapt up into his throat and he answered the phone with a choked “Hello?”

“Yeah, Jaehyun, tell me.”

Jaehyun felt a rush of gratitude to this senior idol for caring enough to call back. He didn’t know where to start, and how much he could trust the singer with, but he knew he wasn’t dragging Taeyong into this. He spoke carefully, telling him what the manager told him, what the members had told him, and he asked Suho if he could survive this. In different words, of course.

“So your manager has decided you’re with someone, has spoken to your members to confirm, and has even set up a meeting with the company to scare you into compliance. But you’re saying you don’t have a girlfriend?” Suho asked.

“Yes.”

“Then why is your manager losing his shit? Why now, all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know,” Jaehyun said, but he was such a shit liar and he knew it.

“Tell me the truth.”

Jaehyun didn’t know what to say. Should he really tell him the truth?  A half-truth, maybe?

“I, um. I may have had something resembling a love bite on me, and someone may have seen it and got the wrong idea.”

“Has it faded?”

“Yeah it’s practically gone.”

“And you’re sure you don’t have a girl?”

“No girlfriend, nope.”

“A female friend with benefits?”

“Uhhh no.”

“If you want me to help you, you have to be honest with me,” Suho said, exasperated.

“Okay. Wait. I um, have a sort of complicated, uh, situation?”

“Okay, your complicated situation. Has it ended?”

“Yes.” Yes, it had ended. It was all over, he thought, feeling his composure slipping and breathing getting shallow again.

“Will it talk?”

“No way.”

“And no one knows about it?”

Jaehyun thought about Taeil. He didn’t count. He would never tell anyone. “Nobody knows,” he said.

“Then you’ll be fine, kid. Just deny everything. If they’re asking your members, that in itself means they have no proof. They’re just reacting to talk and trying to scare you,” Suho said. "And another thing, for the next couple of months they'll keep an eye on you, so you keep your nose clean, understand?"

Jaehyun took a slow, deep breath and exhaled. He felt a sense of relief. “ Yes, Sunbae. Thank you. For helping me out.”

“No problem. But just out of curiosity, no girlfriend?”

“No girlfriend,” Jaehyun said with a smile.

“Okay good. That’s how you tell them, okay? Good luck tomorrow and call me if you need anything.”

Jaehyun thanked him again and said good night. He felt some of the tension easing out of his body, but he still felt an overwhelming need to just cry. To run back to the apartment and back into Taeyong’s arms and do something _dumb_. So he sat there, plucking out the grass with a resigned, tired, helpless sort of violence, until he trusted his body to take him back to the dorm. 

 

Taeyong returned late. The dorm was quiet, everyone was asleep, and he was thankful for it. He went straight into his room, undressed, and climbed into bed.

"Jaehyun got back a while ago." he heard Taeil mumbling from across the darkened room. 

"Ah," he said, and paused. "Is he okay?"

"He looked like death."

"He'll be okay," Taeyong said, like saying it would make it true. "Good night hyung."

"Good night Taeyong."

A minute passed in silence. "Hey," Taeil said. "Will you be okay?"

Taeyong didn't say anything.

He willed himself to fall asleep but he lay there all night, dry eyed and wide awake. 


	11. Eleven

Taeyong’s muscles ached. They had performances all morning followed by a radio show, and now they were finally back at the dorm with four free hours before the evening events. To top it all off, as soon as they had returned from morning schedule and the manager left the dorm, the members had surrounded him, looking for answers. _Hyung_ , they said. _What the hell is happening with Jaehyun?_

Taeyong flinched like hearing the name hurt him. He stood there, his hand still on the handle of his bedroom door while Doyoung, Ten and Mark stood around him, looking expectantly at him. He was the go-to hyung. The one with the advice and answers. 

 “It’s true, isn’t it? That he’s seeing someone.” Doyoung said.

“Why do you say that?” Taeyong asked, careful with his tone and his words.

“Remember that day I was asking him where he went at night? It’s happened more than once, hyung. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and look over and he wouldn’t be there, and he’d come back like an hour later.”

Ten's eyebrows shot up and his lips curved up in an incredulous smile. "Seriously? I didn't know about this," he said. "Wow, Jaehyunnie's turning out to be such a stud."

Taeyong’s muscles tightened and he picked violently at a loose thread in his jeans. How the fuck was he supposed to handle this? He opened his mouth and the words just tumbled out automatically, interrupting the stream of chatter that had just begun.

“He was with me,” he said, vaguely registering the confusion he had incited.

“Oookay, what were you guys doing so late?” Ten said.

Taeyong swallowed thickly, his throat drying up.

“I was… going through a difficult time after the article came out. I couldn’t sleep, and I’d feel like I was suffocating sometimes. So Jaehyunnie, he’d stay with me. It helped, having company.”

It wasn’t a lie.

“Oh,” Doyoung said stupidly, breaking the sudden oppressive silence. “Well I totally misread that. I’m so sorry hyung, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want to worry everyone. I wish I hadn’t dragged Jaehyun into it, either.”

Doyoung sighed, looking ruefully into the distance. Quite a flair for the dramatic, Taeyong thought.

"So wait, there's no girl?" Mark finally spoke.

Taeyong shook his head.

“I’ve been sitting here and thinking, wow, Jaehyun’s such a dick for putting us all at risk with his gallivanting. But you’re telling me he’s actually innocent?” Doyoung said.

“He’s completely innocent,” Taeyong said. “He’s a baby.”

“Poor Jaehyun. We all sort of pounced on him when he came home last night, you know. We kept asking him if it was really true and he kept denying it. But we thought if management was asking, it must be true, you know? Poor kid.”

Taeyong felt a pang of guilt. He hadn’t been there to stick up for him. He couldn’t be there. He could hear the other three still gossiping, but it felt like he was floating somewhere above them, outside looking in. He registered himself nodding at them absently, quietly dismissing them. 

They all left, satisfied that one of the hyungs had confirmed Jaehyun’s innocence. Taeyong quietly retreated to his bedroom and curled up in bed. He tried desperately to get some sleep, to keep his ticking mind from drifting back to Jaehyun. Handling their mess all alone _, Jaehyunnie_. He heard a knock, and he groaned, deciding to pretend like he was asleep. He heard another knock and then the sound of the door opening.

 “Hyung?”

Jaehyun’s voice. Taeyong sat up in bed immediately, feeling light headed.

“Jaehyunnie,” he breathed.

Jaehyun came closer and sat down at the foot of Taeyong’s bed. He looked drained. “How was the meeting?” Taeyong asked.

“I told them I had no fucking idea what they were talking about. _What girl? What hickey?_ ” Jaehyun said with a tired laugh. “They had nothing on me. They were just trying to scare me.”

Taeyong sighed, relieved. “So you’re going to be okay?”

“Yeah. But one of the sunbaes said they’d still be watching me for a while, so…”

“So we can’t…”

“We can’t.”

They shared a long look, and Taeyong saw the dark under Jaehyun’s eyes and he reached out to touch the tired skin. “Did you sleep at all last night?” he asked. Jaehyun shook his head and scooted closer, leaning into Taeyong. Taeyong held him instinctively, held him for a long while, like an apology for not being there with him, held him like he always did.

“Go back now, Jaehyunnie. Get some rest. We have a performance tonight.”

“I love you, hyung.”

“Jaehyun. Go back to your room now, please.”

“Two more minutes,” he said. Taeyong gave in and held him some more.

Jaehyun finally got up, his limbs heavy. He left. Taeyong was alone again.

 

Days went by. NCT U’s promotions had already dwindled and preparations for NCT 127’s official debut had begun. The concept was drawn up and a tracklist in the process of being formulated.

Taeyong couldn’t remember the last time he slept a full six or seven hours. He was tired all the time, he was being worked to the bone. He just wanted to sleep. He was withdrawn, sullen, and he felt like every public appearance he made was a potential fuck up. He'd keep his mouth shut and answer in short, polite sentences when he was addressed.

There were only a few things that lifted his spirits: the new people he was suddenly forced into interacting with. Practice with Yuta and Dongyuk, bright, happy kids who talked his ear off and made such a cute fuss about everything, he really didn’t have the time to think or mope or let himself miss Jaehyun.

He had his weak moments. It didn’t help that the withdrawal of all interactions with Jaehyun left him lonely in a way that no amount of noisy maknae chatter could fix, or that Jaehyun just seemed to get more attractive with every passing day. He’d memorize every detail of Jaehyun’s appearance some days, like that one performance, where he’d worn a thin black leather choker around his neck, the beauty of his eyes enhanced with some soft brown eyeshadow. Taeyong thought he’d never forget how breathtaking Jaehyun looked that day, the blue fabric of his shirt making his skin glow.

And then there was Winwin. Quiet, gentle Winwin, with his barely coherent Korean and his deep, bubbling laugh. Taeyong was instructed to keep the kid close and take care of his needs because he was just so clueless and lost all the time, such an outsider. He was more than happy to, because something about the kid made Taeyong _want_ to take responsibility for him.

He knew what that something was. He reminded him so much of Jaehyun. That same happy smile and gregarious laughter, baby faced, like malevolence was impossible for him. That same endearing clumsiness. It made him feel like he was close to Jaehyun, despite the fact that he and Jaehyun hadn’t had a proper conversation with each other in weeks. It kept him busy, gave him something to worry about every day.

Taeyong managed to stay strong.

 

Jaehyun stayed strong, too. That strange hostility he had felt from the members that day had receded. Routine was re-established, and Jaehyun felt normalcy returning. He missed Taeyong’s touch sometimes, his body aching for that familiar warmth. He missed that slow, timid smile that only he was allowed to see, those whispered words of encouragement, those gentle hands on his tired body.

But it helped that Jaehyun got to see him every day. He made Jaehyun feel better, even from afar.

He knew they had left gaps in each other’s lives.

Jaehyun could do nothing but watch as the gap he had left in Taeyong’s life was slowly filled.

He watched as Taeyong started to laugh more, and that made him happy. He started to talk to the members more openly, he seemed less anxious in public. All of that made Jaehyun happy, because Taeyong was happy. Happy with Winwin by his side, a permanent fixture.

Jaehyun liked Winwin, he really did. In fact, with Winwin there, Jaehyun found it easier to approach Taeyong. The three of them talking and laughing together as a unit, it released the burden of Jaehyun’s history with Taeyong. It didn’t look suspicious. And besides, that giant baby, you couldn’t help but like him.

Things were getting better, he thought.

_Things are getting better, so why do I feel so uneasy?_


	12. Twelve

Jaehyun watched it happening.

He saw the way Taeyong seemed so comfortable with his arm around Winwin's shoulders. He watched him eagerly and patiently teaching Winwin difficult choreography, teaching him new words and laughing warmly at his mispronunciation and grammatical errors. He watched Winwin reciprocating, following Taeyong around like a lost puppy. He didn't know when it started bothering him. 

Sometimes he'd look at Taeyong and Winwin and see his past with Taeyong. The way they were together before they had ever even shared a kiss. The way they used to dance around each other, flirting, teasing, too scared to admit they really meant it. Sometimes he'd close his eyes and wonder if Taeyong kissed Winwin the way he used to kiss him, and he'd find himself suddenly feeling sick. 

Jaehyun wouldn't say he was jealous, but the initial happiness he'd felt when he saw Taeyong smiling again was being replaced with something ugly.

But it was under control. Taeyong was to be the leader of NCT 127, and Winwin was the member who needed the most help. Taeyong was just fulfilling his responsibilities, Jaehyun told himself. And besides, Taeyong didn't owe him anything. They weren't together anymore. It was all under control.

Until they started filming for Life in Paju. 

Jaehyun's day started happy. He opened his eyes and the first thing he thought of was how much fun it had been, filming the last two NCT Life instalments. All those moments he had shared with Taeyong, like that time Taeyong had come rolling into Jaehyun's bed. Jaehyun had really blushed furiously at their proximity, but had somehow grown the balls to tease his hyung and simultaneously play it off as a joke,  _while on camera_.  _Hyung, don't,_  he had said, his voice teasing, thick with need when Taeyong rolled on top of him, _not while the cameras are rolling._ Taeyong had played his part as the offended hyung and smacked him silly, and Jaehyun had burst into laughter, but he knew that it had affected Taeyong, he had seen the way Taeyong swallowed thickly and smiled all crooked and dazed. It satisfied him deeply, and the little impudent shit that he was, he hadn't stopped there. The next morning he had even whispered a hasty "Did you like it? Spanking me?" into Taeyong's ear, leaving his face warm and his ears red. 

Jaehyun was excited.

But as the day progressed, that changed. 

The first thing that rubbed him the wrong way was how acutely aware Taeyong seemed of Winwin's wants and needs. They were shopping at a little grocery store on a budget the PD had given them, running out of money for the things they needed, and Winwin had mentioned in passing that he wanted ice cream. Taeyong just went straight ahead and asked him to pick a flavor,  _which one do you want? This one? It's okay if we don't have any money left, I'll pay for it._

Jaehyun wasn't a child. He had his pride. But he couldn't stop the sudden flare of irritation he had felt. _Don't be silly, Jaehyun._

Jaehyun pushed on. He was still being bright and jovial, sharp tongued and witty and making them all laugh. Things were going smoothly.

Taeyong laughed loud and uninhibited when Winwin was around. Jaehyun didn't let it bother him. Winwin had that effect on people, Jaehyun knew that. Taeyong encouraged him gently, all the time. Jaehyun wouldn't let that bother him either, depite the fact that he longed for those words, that voice, that kindness. 

They were playing some stupid game, trying to spit out watermelon seeds and make them land on their faces in comically ugly spots. Jaehyun and Taeyong, the last two to play, managed to land the damned seeds on their faces and turned to look at each other simultaneously, bursting into laughter. One of them had to lose, and they called upon the mighty judges of NCT 127, whose face is uglier they asked. 

"Taeyong wins!" Winwin said promptly, and sharp tongued, witty Jaehyun turned to him and said with mock indignation "Did you even look at me, you little shit?"

He wasn't trying to be rude to Winwin, he really wasn't. He was just being the way he always was, just trying to make everyone laugh. But Taeyong jumped in, saying "Hey don't, you'll scare the kid."

Jaehyun didn't want that to bother him, but it did. Taeyong had no fucking idea how much Jaehyun was enduring, how much he wanted Taeyong's attention, only to see it all being given to Winwin. So attentive of Winwin's needs. So eager to jump to his defence. But Jaehyun hadn't said a word about it all these days. He had been happy for him. He felt sick again. 

He found himself unable to say anything. He found himelf shrinking away from Taeyong then, being uncharacteristically quiet. Nothing sat right with him for the rest of the day. He just pushed through the rest of the activities, smiling quietly when he thought someone was being funny, because that was really all he could manage. When Yuta jokingly hit on Taeyong, when Winwin clung to Taeyong's side, all Jaehyun did was smile benignly. 

_Silly Jaehyun, look at how petty you're being._

It wasn't until the end of filming that Jaehyun broke. When they all piled into the van and Jaehyun got into the back, only to find that Winwin and Taeyong had settled side by side in front of him. When Jaehyun watched Taeyong falling asleep on Winwin's shoulder, and it looked so right. When Jaehyun remembered what it felt like to have Taeyong nuzzling into his neck, to kiss the top of his head, silver hair tickling his cheek, to talk to him in a low, soothing voice about things that made him happy until he fell asleep and dreamt of good things.  _That's my place,_  he thought, unable to take his eyes off their silhouettes.  _Lee Taeyong, you're supposed to fall asleep in my arms._

He felt frustrated tears welling in his eyes and he blinked. Clenched his teeth. He wouldn't let this hurt him.

 

The van pulled up in front of their dorm and Jaehyun was itching to get out of that suffocating space. He hurried into the dorm, said he'd shower first, and ran off into the bathroom before anyone could question him. 

In the shower that night, Jaehyun cried, quiet and hard, his face buried in his hands. He missed Taeyong. He  _missed_  him. His tears stung hot, and his breath came in muted gasps, his ribs hurt and his throat closed tight. He let it wash over him for the first time since they parted ways, and it hurt. It tugged harder and bled him out and hurt so much more because here he was crying like a little bitch, and Taeyong seemed _fine._ Taeyong had Winwin to giggle with. Jaehyun felt expendable, and that made him sick. 

He knew he was being stupid, childish. He couldn't help himself. He just missed Taeyong. 

When he left the bathroom, face clear and hair damp, eyes undeniably red-rimmed, he passed Taeyong in the hallway. Taeyong saw those swollen eyes in the fleeting moment when Jaehyun looked up at him, and and he reached out instinctively to grip Jaehyun's wrist. 

His mouth opened and closed. "Jaehyunnie," he said softly. "What's wrong?"

Jaehyun raised his head and fixed him with a look he couldn't read. He felt Jaehyun pulling his hand back, out of Taeyong's grasp. "Nothing," he said. He turned around wordlessly and left.

Taeyong was left standing in the middle of the hallway, like a deer in the headlights, like he had no idea what had hit him. 


	13. Thirteen

Something was terribly off. Something was happening and Taeyong couldn’t understand it, this sudden schism like a solid six inch brick wall between him and Jaehyun. True, they hadn’t touched each other in over a month. True, they hadn’t spoken to each other beyond regular everyday friendly bullshit. But there had never been that cringing sort of awkwardness between them before this.

Jaehyun still used to smile at him after they had ended things. He still used to care for him and laugh with him because it was nobody’s fault that they weren’t together. But now, it had been almost a week and Taeyong hadn’t seen that beautiful dimpled smile once. It was like Jaehyun had hardened up, frozen over, shut him out completely.

Taeyong didn’t know what he had done. He didn’t know if it was presumptuous of him to think this was about him. Perhaps there was something else. Either way, he hated being out of the loop. He hated the idea of Jaehyun suffering alone.

So one night, when all the members had retreated to their rooms and Jaehyun was the last one to shower, Taeyong found an opportunity. Jaehyun had just set foot in the bathroom and Taeyong just sort of pushed in quietly before he could close the door.

“Can we talk, for a little bit?” he said.

Jaehyun opened his mouth and Taeyong could see it in his eyes, the excuses forming, _hyung, I’m tired. Hyung, we’ll do this tomorrow. Hyung, hyung, hyung,_ all in that same cold tone aiming to put distance between them.

“Please?” he said again.

Jaehyun hesitated, and then he nodded. He crossed his arms over his chest, fixed his gaze on his feet, already a barrier between them.

“Did I do something?” Taeyong said, imploring.

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“You know what I mean, Jaehyun. What’s wrong? What’s happening to us?”

“Nothing’s wrong, hyung. I don’t understand what you mean.”

Taeyong looked at him long and hard. “Jaehyunnie,” he said pleadingly. He reached out like he used to, to brush Jaehyun’s hair out of his eyes, desperate to re-establish a connection with Jaehyun. Even if it just meant feeling his warmth against his fingertips.

But he stopped just short of Jaehyun’s skin, because the younger had visibly flinched away from his touch. Taeyong’s hand froze in the air, an unfinished sentence, hesitation marks. That was so unexpected, so jarring. He withdrew his hand.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay.”

He forced a smile, turned around, and left.

 

Taeyong should have known better. He knew he didn’t stand a chance at falling in love. He knew he didn’t stand a chance at making Jaehyun stay. He knew, he had always been toxic.

He could blame it on his absentee father, all he did was work, and when he came home he’d sit in a corner nursing a drink. He could blame it on a mother who never gave a shit, the kind of woman whose life was built around denying that her marriage was falling apart, that she was staying only because of her two children. That whole dysfunctional fucking family. He could find a million excuses to justify his inability to make and sustain a human connection.

But Taeyong knew, he knew he was toxic, deep down inside where everyone else was soft and vulnerable, he was rotten. From the first time he felt something for a boy, and they held hands and managed one breathless kiss, to the time it turned bitter and they never spoke again. From the first time he thought he was in love and he was coaxed and charmed into having sex, to that terrible, empty, soiled feeling of rushing into intimacy unprepared. From the first time he gave in to meaningless sex, to the time he forgot how to love.

He wasn’t stupid. He saw the pattern. _He_ was the common factor. He had the singular ability to fuck everything up.

But Jaehyun. Beautiful, warm, forgiving Jaehyun. He really had him believing that Taeyong could achieve normalcy. That he could leave behind all his mistakes, a lifetime of fucking things up fixed, that he could really, truly love someone, that he could be loved, too. When he made love to Jaehyun, it was gentle and pure, and something reached inside him and warmed him. He hadn’t felt like that, not ever, and that made him brave. Brave enough to tell Jaehyun what he really felt _. I love you, Jaehyunnie._

That was why Taeyong was still standing when he and Jaehyun had to part ways. It was all circumstance, he had thought, out of his control. He hadn’t fucked up this time. As far as he and Jaehyun were concerned, they had only ever had happy memories together, and that was worth the heartache. His love had made him brave. Jaehyun had made him brave.

But now, Taeyong felt the dream shattering. Jaehyun didn’t even want Taeyong to touch him. He didn’t know what happened, but it had turned all gone to shit. Bitter, ugly, and fucked up, and Taeyong found that he wasn’t surprised. Taeyong could try all he wanted, love as hard as he could, but he was toxic, really. Jaehyun must have seen it. And not even Jaehyun could fix it.

 

 

Taeyong didn’t try again.

 

 

It wasn’t until Taeyong’s birthday that they shared the same space.

That night, after the older members had downed a few drinks, and laughed heartily, and wished Taeyong a happy, happy birthday, Taeyong was left alone, curled up on the living room couch. He was pleasantly buzzed, bordering on drunk. The members had urged him to get sloshed, but Taeyong knew better. They had work the next day and he didn’t want to be a potato during practice. And besides, Taeyong was a notoriously sad drunk. He didn’t want to open those gates.

Taeyong was drawn out of his anaesthetized musings when he felt another presence in the room. He looked up and saw Jaehyun, and his breath stopped.

“Hi,” he said, sitting down on the couch next to Taeyong.

“Hi,’ Taeyong mumbled back.

“I just…” Jaehyun was hesitating. “I just wanted to give you this,” Jaehyun said softly, holding out a box. Taeyong felt a lump in his throat, and his hands trembled when he reached for it.

“Open it,” Jaehyun said.

Taeyong wordlessly fumbled with the box. He managed to get the lid off and through his clouded mind he saw the weight of meaning in that little box. It was a bracelet, a familiar thin silver band. He struggled to find the words he was looking for.

“It’s just like the one you have,” he said stupidly.

“Yeah. I saw it weeks ago, and I thought of you, and I bought it. I didn’t know if I should give it to you or not, considering the situation now, but hey. It was for you. You should have it,” Jaehyun said. “Happy birthday, hyung.”

Taeyong felt his heart racing and his body turning warm, and he didn’t know if it was the alcohol or something else.

“Thank you, Jaehyunnie,” he said. “Thank you.”

Jaehyun smiled and got up to leave. “Good night hyung,” he said.

He hadn’t taken half a step when he felt Taeyong’s hand gripping his wrist.

“Do you regret… us?” Taeyong asked.

Jaehyun didn’t have to think. “No,” he said promptly.

“Do you hate me?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

There was a long silence. “I’m hurt and I’m lonely,” Jaehyun said, like he had pulled the words from another world. Another silence followed, but Taeyong knew something else was coming. “But you, you’re okay,” he said spitefully.

“No,” Taeyong replied. “I’m not okay.

Taeyong got to his feet. He clung to Jaehyun’s shirt, both hands fisting into the material. “Is that what this is about? You think I left you and I’m totally fine without you?” The words were spilling out without his permission. “I’m tired and I miss you and I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m trying, I try so hard, but I can’t sleep most nights because all I’m doing is replaying every moment I had with you. Did our fingers touch? Did he smile at me today? And I’m thinking, Lee Taeyong, you fucked up again didn’t you?”

Taeyong stopped, out of breath, and some of the alcohol induced haze cleared. His grip loosened, suddenly conscious of his childish outburst. He sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you, I didn’t want to burden you with this.”

Jaehyun was looking at him with an unidentifiable emotion. Nothing changed in Jaehyun’s face, but Taeyong felt himself being pulled closer to Jaehyun, an arm wrapped around his waist.

Jaehyun looked like he was struggling to say something, like he was fighting a losing battle with himself. His face softened, just a little. “That’s not…”

He was interrupted by raucous laughter echoing from somewhere in the dorm, followed by Winwin’s voice whining “Taeyong hyuuuung!”

Taeyong watched Jaehyun, watched his eyes moving to the direction of the sound, his eyes closing. When they opened again, Jaehyun had hardened up again. Frozen over, shut him out completely. It was like a doorway had opened just a little, and Taeyong had caught a sliver of what was inside before it closed again.

“You should go. Winwin’s calling you.”

Taeyong stared blankly at Jaehyun. “Jaehyun. You don’t think…” Taeyong trailed off. Jaehyun didn’t say anything, but his eyes did.

“You… you asshole,” Taeyong said flatly. “Winwin?”

Jaehyun kept looking at Taeyong.

“You’re such an asshole,” Taeyong said, throwing his arms around Jaehyun’s neck and letting himself fall into Jaehyun’s warmth.

“Hyung, what the fuck?” Jaehyun said, his voice strained.

“Shut up, Jaehyun. I thought… I thought you were done with me. I thought I had broken this and we’d never be able to fix it. But… _Winwin?_ ”

“What was I supposed to think, hyung?” Jaehyun mumbled, sounding defeated.

Taeyong pulled back and cupped Jaehyun’s face.

“You were supposed to trust me. You were supposed know that I meant it when I said I’d love you even if we aren’t together. Winwin is nothing. He’s a nice kid and I take care of him, and I like taking care of him. But you’re _you,”_ he said. “Why didn’t you just ask me? Why didn’t you just _talk_ to me?”

“What did you expect me to say? Hey hyung, remember me? The guy you were fucking a couple of months ago? I just wanted to know if you’re fucking someone else now,” he said harshly. “You don’t owe me anything hyung. I know that. But it still hurts.”

Taeyong took in Jaehyun’s face. He looked so tired, no trace of that bright eyed smile or that impish energy. Taeyong remembered how he looked that night, eyes red and swollen. Oh, god, he thought. I did this to him.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was just trying so hard to pretend like I was okay without you, but I’m not. You’re not the guy I was fucking. You’re the guy I’m in love with, and I owe you everything. I love you, just you.”

Jaehyun averted his eyes and took in a breath. “I… god fucking damn it,” he said when he found his voice breaking. He took another breath. “I love you, too, hyung.”

Taeyong pulled him close, felt Jaehyun’s arms tightening around him. They stayed that way, and Taeyong felt light headed. He pressed his lips to Jaehyun’s temple.

“Hyung,” Jaehyun said weakly. “What if someone sees?”

“Let them see,” he whispered and Jaehyun hugged him tight. A weight lifted. Jaehyun smiled.

“Just a hug,” he said. “Just for tonight.”


	14. Fourteen

It was still early when Jaehyun went into the kitchen to fix himself a quick breakfast. He felt lighter, none of that leaden weight on his chest when he woke up that morning. He hummed happily to himself, looking up when Ten walked into the kitchen and greeting him brightly.

“Jaehyun it’s too early in the day for that kind of excitement,” Ten grumbled.

Jaehyun just smiled and went about his business, but Ten kept following him around the kitchen, his movements uncertain, a little confused. Jaehyun threw him a quizzical look, but Ten was still loitering, opening his mouth like he wanted to say something, and then closing it like he thought better of it.

And then finally the bomb was dropped.

"So, um, you and Taeyong hyung, then?"

Jaehyun almost choked on his juice. "What?" he breathed.

Ten grinned cheekily. "I may or may not have seen you two last night."

Jaehyun looked at him, trying his best to maintain a neutral expression, but he didn't know what would count as a normal reaction. "What, uh, what did you see?"

"You know, that whole _you're the guy I'm in love with, Jaehyun / oh my god hyung, I love you too, let's get married thing,_ and then you two like hugged forever."

Jaehyun's lips had parted and his eyes had widened and he wanted to say the right thing and avoid the situation but he couldn't make a sound. Ten laughed.

"Dude, relax, it's cool. I mean it wasn't, last night, it really freaked me out, because Jaehyun and Leader hyung are in love and _what the fuck_. But then I thought about it all night, and I don't really know anything about anything, so I figured I'd just ask you about it."

Jaehyun set his glass down, his finger tracing the rim. His heart was pounding, mind skimming through all the possible outcomes. _What now, Jaehyun. Come clean? Is there any other choice?_ He took a deep breath and hoped for the best. "What do you want to know?" he said.

"Are you together? I mean like, dating and shit?"

"No. Well, yes, sort of," he mumbled. "We were, but we ended it recently. I'm really sorry, you know, if this makes things weird for you."

Ten shook his head. "Fuck," he said, amazed, "You were in a relationship."

Jaehyun nodded and watched Ten's every movement, every emotion flickering in his eyes. There was shock, there was curiosity. No judgment. No disgust.

"When did it start?" Ten asked.

"February."

"Fuuuuck. Should have guessed. I mean - he's like a puppy around you. The whole time, you two were together? Shit, wow, this is crazy."

Jaehyun managed a chuckle. Ten was staring off into the distance like he was trying to process it all. Jaehyun watched as his expression darkened, the intial shock giving way to something else. "So when management came down on you, that was about Taeyong hyung?"

Jaehyun nodded.

"So that's why you broke up?"

Jaehyun nodded again, his throat tightening.

"I'm sorry, man."

Jaehyun shrugged.

Silence settled between them, and Jaehyun replayed last night’s events in his mind, and one line echoed in the silence. _Remember me, the guy you were fucking?_

Jaehyun froze, an embarrassed flush beginning to climb the back of his neck.

"Ten hyung, how much did you hear, exactly?"

"More than I would have liked to."

Jaehyun felt the tips of his ears warming. _Oh God._

"So. Is Taeyong hyung any good in bed?"

Jaehyun buried his face in his hands and groaned, and Ten laughed long and hard.

 

 

 

NCT 127's debut stage at M! Countdown was nerve wracking. Jaehyun thought he'd be used to it, after all of SM Rookies' and NCT U's activities, but he still found himself trembling. He said it out loud _, I'm really nervous_. Taeyong was by his side, and he laughed brightly, stroking his face soothingly. He didn't leave Jaehyun's side. Jaehyun felt himself unwinding, relaxing a little. He was so glad they had sorted things out.

That night, Jaehyun lay in bed recalling the crazy adrenaline rush of their performance, the deafening screams, the bright lights, the heat and the sweat and the cameras. He found that the only thought he kept coming back to was how Taeyong looked so fucking pretty that day.

He fell asleep, remembering the warmth of his hyung's skin against his own.

 

 

Taeyong felt his tired muscles relaxing under the hot shower. He was in Vietnam with Jaehyun for a UNICEF press conference, and he had had a long, long day. He stayed in the shower till his skin wrinkled, letting the water undo the day's damage. He stepped out and wrapped a towel around himself, clean white hotel towels, rubbed his OCD just the right way. He stood in front of the fogged up mirror, his hand reaching out to wipe it clean. He looked at himself, but his reflection seemed so unfamiliar.

 

He saw himself lifting a hand to push his damp hair back, letting it trail over his face, high cheekbones, thin lips, sharp jawline, slender neck. His fingers lingered over his collarbones, and he realized that what he saw in the mirror was, in fact, not him. Not the Taeyong he knew from before. This was the new him, irreversibly changed by this boy he had allowed himself to fall in love with.

High cheekbones, that Jaehyun used to stroke when they’d snuggle up in bed together, lips he used to kiss delicately, tentatively, or possessively, always with devotion. The crook of his neck, Jaehyun used to nuzzle against it when he was tired, or embarrassed, or when he just missed the scent of Taeyong’s skin. Collarbones he’d sink his teeth into, not hard enough to leave a mark, but it was always something like a promise to Taeyong. Someday, he’d leave his mark there. Someday, when they didn’t have to be afraid anymore.

He missed Jaehyun’s touch.

He pulled himself together and left the bathroom, closing the door on all his useless musings. He didn't take two steps into the room before he stopped short. It was Jaehyun, sitting on the edge of Taeyong's bed, waiting for him, jet black hair falling into his eyes, fucking beautiful against that pale skin. Like some cruel joke or a test of his endurance, in his moment of vulnerability, Jaehyun was there.

Jaehyun stood, and Taeyong’s whole body tensed up. He struggled to find his voice.

“What are you doing here?” he managed to say. Jaehyun was supposed to be staying with the manager in a different room, so the manager could keep an eye on him, and Taeyong was to share with another staff member.

Jaehyun dropped his gaze. He was hesitating. “I miss you.”

“Jaehyun…” Taeyong began, but Jaehyun cut him off.

“I know. This is a bad idea, I know.” He took a step towards Taeyong, and then he looked him square in the face. “But I miss you.”

Taeyong tried to exhale slowly, but it came out sounding like a sob.

"Listen," Jaehyun said. "Manager hyung wanted to drink with the staff, so I told him they could chill in that room for a while. I've been entrusted to you, Leader hyung. You're supposed to do the babysitting for tonight."

Jaehyun stepped up close. "Just tonight," he said, voice low, loaded with all the desire they had fought.

“Jaehyunnie,” he said, his voice small. “I don’t have the strength to fight you.”

“Then don’t,” Jaehyun said, an invitation in that voice.

Taeyong felt himself breaking. He let Jaehyun step into his space, let Jaehyun’s hands settle on his hips, let himself be pulled against the younger. He closed his eyes and let his body relax into that warm, familiar embrace. It was gravity, the way Jaehyun pulled him in, he could never fight it. Safe, he thought, right here.

Soft kisses were pressed against his temple, soft kisses against his eyelids. It was habit, muscle memory, reflex, when Taeyong tilted his head back and let Jaehyun kiss him on the lips. He found the strength to lift his hands to cup Jaehyun’s face, to open his mouth and let Jaehyun in. That sinful fucking tongue rolled sensually against his, and Taeyong felt weak in the knees. Jaehyun wrapped his arms around Taeyong’s bare torso, like he needed him even closer, and Taeyong was glad because he didn't have the strength to stay standing.

Taeyong moaned, breathy and hot, when Jaehyun bit down on his lip, his hands sliding down onto the younger’s neck and grabbing fistfuls of his collar.

“Take it off,” he said, his voice strained. Jaehyun complied wordlessly, returning to Taeyong’s arms and kissing him hard. His hands trailed down his back, over smooth, damp skin, over the curve of his ass, kneading Taeyong’s flesh over the towel. The towel came loose, and Jaehyun tugged it off, relishing the feel of smooth skin against his palms. He let his hands explore, pushed one finger teasingly to his entrance.

Taeyong was sensitive, always had been. He didn’t even need Jaehyun to push into him, just that little teasing pressure set his body on fire, his hands frantically undoing Jaehyun’s jeans, pushing them down his thighs. Jaehyun kicked them off, pushing Taeyong into bed. He stood there for a second his eyes taking in the sight of Taeyong’s beautiful slender body against those white sheets, lust filled eyes and parted lips, damp silver hair falling over his face. He knew they probably didn’t have much time, but he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to see that again. He wanted to take a picture, save it forever.

Taeyong called his name, and Jaehyun was drawn to him, helpless.

He grabbed the fancy complimentary body lotion off the nightstand and pushed Taeyong's legs apart, using the lotion to push two fingers into Taeyong. Taeyong tensed and screwed his eyes shut, those fingers too thick for comfort. Jaehyun pumped in and out a few times before Taeyong relaxed.

“Come here,” Taeyong whispered, and Jaehyun complied. Those slim, lovely hands slid into his hair, and his lips met Taeyong’s. They kissed deeply, all teeth and tongue, and Taeyong found it hard to focus with those fingers sliding in and out of him. He felt the younger brush past the spot that pulled his insides tight and made his back arch in pleasure.

“There?” he heard Jaehyun whisper. He nodded, allowing Jaehyun to direct his fingers to that spot, to thrust a few more times and make him dizzy before he said “Stop, Jaehyunnie.”

“Am I hurting you?” Jaehyun asked, pulling back. Taeyong shook his head.

“We don’t have much time,” he said, turning over, getting on his hands and knees. He knew he wasn’t prepared enough, that it had been too long since the last time he had done this, that Jaehyun was thick and this would hurt. But he didn’t care.

Jaehyun froze, eyes raking over the sight in front of him.

“Hurry up Jaehyun.”

 

Jaehyun snapped out of it, and with trembling hands he lubed himself up, and knelt behind Taeyong. He let his hands run over Taeyong’s smooth, toned body, savoring the way it left Taeyong quivering. He pushed in, leaning over Taeyong to press gentle kisses to his neck and shoulders. Taeyong was gasping, and Jaehyun’s mind was a blur by the time he bottomed out, Taeyong’s name was the only thing he could say. He waited, hands still trailing soothingly over that unmblemished skin, and when Taeyong nodded, he gripped his hyung’s hips hard and began to thrust. Once, twice, _God damn this boy._

Taeyong thought he might collapse from the way Jaehyun was pushing into him. Truth be told, this was what he had wanted to do to the younger that night in the apartment, to push him down and fuck him senseless because that’s the effect Jaehyun had on him. But Jaehyun was a baby, his little virgin lover, and he had wanted him to be comfortable, to say _hyung, you made me feel so warm and loved_. So he had taken it slow and he was glad he had, because it had meant so much more to them both that way.

Taeyong was pulled back to reality when a particularly hard thrust made his arms weak and he fell to his elbows, crumbling under Jaehyun’s ministrations. He couldn’t keep himself from moaning out Jaehyun’s name, low and needy. It seemed to have ignited something in the younger, because Taeyong felt Jaehyun’s arm wrapping around his torso and pulling him up, flush against Jaehyun’s chest, hips thrusting harder than before. His body tightened around Jaehyun, and the younger let out something between and a sob and a moan, desperate, uninhibited.

In this new position, Taeyong fell fuller, felt that stretch that he was craving, that spot inside him being abused. Taeyong reached back to pull Jaehyun into a sloppy kiss, panting into his mouth. He broke the kiss when he felt Jaehyun’s hand on his member, groaning, letting his head fall back onto Jaehyun’s shoulder. Jaehyun tightened his hold on his hyung, pulling his body even closer, and his hand moved faster.

Taeyong could feel his body giving in, getting consumed by a pleasure he couldn’t handle. It was so good it almost _hurt_. It was too much for him to take, and he felt himself tensing, teetering on the precipice of his orgasm.

Jaehyun was close too, his hips were stuttering, and he leaned in, his lips grazing the shell of Taeyong’s ear. “Can you really walk away from this?” he whispered, his breath hot. Taeyong shook his head helplessly, Jaehyun’s voice pushing him over the edge. He came into Jaehyun’s hand, crying out _fuck, fuck, Jaehyun, fuck!_ His whole body tensed, his strained voice chanting the younger’s name, taking Jaehyun apart. Jaehyun moaned, his hips thrusting erratically, and Taeyong felt him coming, spilling out, hot and sticky inside him. Jaehyun’s hips finally stilled, and he pulled out.

Taeyong collapsed onto the bed, boneless, exhausted, and Jaehyun fell with him. They took a moment to come down, to let the waves of pleasure recede, and then Jaehyun slowly got up, pushing himself to clean up and get them both dressed when all he wanted to do was stay in bed with his beautiful lover and pamper him silly.

Taeyong lay in bed, listening to the water running in the bathroom. He wondered if Jaehyun would get dressed now and leave, and he was shocked at the intensity of disappointment that tugged at his insides. He felt tears pricking in his eyes and he blinked furiously. It angered him, how much control Jaehyun had on him. It angered him, how easily he cried.

 

Jaehyun came back into the room, a towel wrapped around his waist and another one in his hands. Taeyong clenched his jaw and sat up gingerly, certain he’d bleed at least a little. Jaehyun tossed him the towel and bent down to pick up his discarded clothes. Taeyong cleaned himself up, quietly watching Jaehyun getting dressed. He bit down on his lower lip and willed himself not to think about Jaehyun leaving.

He reached out wordlessly for the clothes he had laid out on the bed before showering, pulling on his boxers, his jeans, his t shirt. He stood there with his back to Jaehyun, and he felt like he was ready to hear that wretchedly familiar apology, that good night, the sound of the door closing. He felt strong.

But instead of all that, he felt arms wrapping around him, a muscular chest pressed against his back, whisper-like kisses on his skin, and Taeyong was left not knowing what to do. He felt the hold loosening, he felt his hand being taken gently, and he felt himself being pulled into bed. Jaehyun made himself comfortable and pulled Taeyong into his side.

Taeyong thought he was strong, but he wasn’t prepared for this. He couldn’t blink back the tears this time.

Jaehyun was saying something, “We could tell him…” he trailed off, tensing at the sight of Taeyong’s face.

“Hyung,” he said, reaching out, caressing Taeyong’s face. “What happened? What did I do?”

Taeyong smiled despite the tears and shook his head. He nuzzled into Jaehyun’s warmth. “You stayed.”

Jaehyun’s eyes softened, and he kissed Taeyong gently, fingers brushing through Taeyong’s hair. He spoke only when he was sure his voice would be steady.

“Where would I go?”


	15. Fifteen

Jaehyun fell asleep with his head on Taeyong's chest, arms wrapped around him, listening to that steady heartbeat. Taeyong lay awake, caressing Jaehyun's hair, fingers carding through soothingly. Jaehyun's weight on his body was the only thing anchoring him to reality. 

What is this, he thought. What were they? They broke up, but they still loved each other. They couldn't be together, but they'd still stay close to each other. It hurt, but they needed it. They made love, left each other breathless and sated, but was it just for a hotel room in Vietnam, never to be spoken of again? He didn't know. 

He heard a knock. He didn't want to leave Jaehyun's warmth, but he knew it must be the Manager at the door. He gently pushed Jaehyun away, careful not to wake him, and got up.

Taeyong opened the door and found both the Manager and the staff member waiting outside. He quickly stepped out into the hallway to talk to them without disturbing Jaehyun's sleep. 

"Hyung," he said. "Jaehyun's already asleep. He seemed really tired, so I don't want to wake him. Is it okay if he sleeps here tonight? I'm really sorry for the incovenience, but can Hyukjae hyung stay in your room?"

The older man seemed to be hesitating, but Taeyong knew he'd relent. He knew that he trusted Taeyong, so he wasn't too surprised when the manager finally nodded. 

Taeyong smiled, grateful, and he helped the staff member move his suitcase into the other room. Jaehyun slept through the whole thing.

When the other two finally left, Taeyong shut the door behind them and climbed back into bed, back into Jaehyun's arms. He covered them both with the duvet, and that was when Jaehyun stirred, mumbling something about Taeyong moving too much. He sleepily threw an arm over Taeyong's waist, pressed kisses to the back of Taeyong's neck, to his shoulders, pulled him closer. Taeyong fell asleep with Jaehyun's warm breath on his neck.

Who cares what we are, he thought. Who really cares.

 

Weeks went by without incident. Taeyong and Jaehyun kept each other at a safe distance, nothing special from the outside, just colleagues, just friends. What had happened in Vietnam was a memory only they shared, stacked with the rest of their moments together. They kept them safe in the summer of their lives, in a time and place they had left behind, and they fell into the monotonous drone of everyday life.

People began to forget about keeping an eye on Jaehyun. He received fewer calls from the manager asking him where he was and what he was doing, and that too eventually came to an end. People began to forget about all the things Taeyong had done. The heat was off. The seasons changed. 

Something in the air shifted, and it happened quietly, without anyone noticing.

Then one night, after the eleventh day of radio silence from their manager, sitting together in the back of the van, Jaehyun and Taeyong held hands. It just happened, the accidental brush of fingers, a moment's hesitation, and then Jaehyun's hand was sliding into Taeyong's, and Taeyong laced their fingers together. It felt just like the first time they kissed.

 

A few days after that, on a free afternoon, Jaehyun knocked on Taeyong's door and asked him if he wanted to have lunch with him. "A friend of mine told me about this place in Hapjeong. He said it has the best seafood in Seoul. Do you want to go? With me?" he said, and Taeyong nodded hesitantly.

They went out together, getting out of the cab on the main road and walking through the narrow streets and back alleys looking for the place. Jaehyun got them hopelessly lost and they were hungry, and it started to rain, and they ran for shelter into some forgotten cafe, laughing at themselves. The hour or so that they spent in that shitty cafe with its too-sweet coffee and its insipid food was the happiest Taeyong had been in a long, long time.

 

Time slipped by.

Late one night, when Taeyong couldn't fall asleep, he remembered the nights he spent with Jaehyun. All those times he couldn't sleep, all those times Jaehyun sat with him, those secrets they had shared. He considered going over to Jaehyun's room, sliding into Jaehyun's bed, snuggling up to the younger. How wonderful that would be, he thought. 

So he did just that. He didn't know what tipped him over, but his feet were on the floor, and he tip-toed out of the room he shared with Donghyuk as if compelled. He knocked on Jaehyun's door, and Yuta answered. He just stood there in the doorway of that dark room, looking at him, suitably puzzled, and Taeyong smiled. Past Yuta's shoulder, Taeyong could see Jaehyun stirring, sitting up in bed, looking at him.

"I can't sleep," he said, like that explained everything. 

Jaehyun blinked. And then he scooted over, raising the covers for Taeyong. Taeyong walked past Yuta, feeling his eyes following Taeyong's path, over to Jaehyun's bed. He climbed in, and Jaehyun covered them both up, and settled down with a reasonable distance between the two of them.

The Japanese boy still stood in the doorway, wondering what the fuck had just happened, and how it had happened so naturally, like a matter of fact. He shook his head, too tired to think, shut the door and went back to his bed. 

Some time in the darkness, Taeyong was pulled closer to Jaehyun, and they fell asleep tangled up in each other.

It was starting to feel familiar.

 

It happened more than once, and Yuta stopped being surprised when he'd wake up and find a mop of silver hair peeking above the covers in Jaehyun's bed. Such close friends, he'd think, and laugh at himself for his attempts at rationalization. Friends didn't fucking _spoon._

Not that it bothered him. 

 

They kissed once, when Jaehyun was doing the dishes, and Taeyong came by and cheekily dropped a dirty glass in the sink, adding to the pile that Jaehyun was washing. Jaehyun shot him a look, his irritation evident, and Taeyong just laughed at him, pecking his cheek. They lowered their guard, just for a little while in that empty kitchen.

Jaehyun wasn't really thinking when he wrapped his arms around Taeyong and drew him close, didn't second guess himself when their breaths mingled, didn't hesitate when he leaned in and kissed Taeyong softly, naturally. There was history in that kiss.

It was just like he remembered.  

 

A rare opportunity presented itself when all the members decided to go out, and Taeyong took it. When Taeyong and Jaehyun said they'd rather stay home, the members didn't push them. Taeyong couldn't help but wonder if they knew something. They must know, he thought. Maybe not the younger ones, but Yuta knew, and maybe Winwin too.

The minute Taeyong said goodbye and shut the door behind the members, Jaehyun pulled him close.

 

They were in Taeyong's bed, naked, exhausted. Taeyong was playing with Jaehyun's fingers when he felt Jaehyun stilling his hands. Jaehyun looked over at him, and Taeyong couldn't help but wonder at how fucking pretty Jaehyun looked like this. Hair mussed, tired eyes, blissful smile. All fucked out. 

"Don't freak out," Jaehyun said. "I want to say something."

Taeyong looked at him, curiosity in his eyes, and he nodded.

"Someday, maybe years from now, I want you to disappear with me," he said. "I want you to come with me, and we'll drop off the face of the earth, off the grid. No more lines, hyung, nothing to hold us back. Can you picture it? We'll save enough money, we'll get ourselves a tiny place to live. And we'll stay happy. Can you see it, hyung?"

Taeyong felt like he couldn't breathe or move or say anything. He closed his eyes helplessly.

"Maybe some day I'll marry you, and maybe we'll get a dog, and we'll live together like a little happy family. Tell me you see it, hyung."

Taeyong felt himself tearing up, because fuck, he did see it. It was so cheesy, and it wasn't anything like the dreams he had, growing up. No big stages, no cameras, no lights, no grandeur. 

This was a new dream, something he shared with Jaehyun, something that only belonged to them. There's a certain charm to that life, too, he thought. Coming back to a home with warm yellow lights and big windows, a little puppy (they'd name it Ruby the second) and _Jaehyun_. Coming home to Jaehyun. How lovely, he thought. How fucking beautiful.

He couldn't trust himself to put all that into words, but he needed to do something because Jaehyun was looking at him expectantly.

"Tell me you see it."

Taeyong shifted, climbed on top of Jaehyun, straddled him. Jaehyun's hands settled on his bare hips, stroking his skin. Taeyong traced the outline of Jaehyun's lips,  leaning down to kiss him. 

 

_On the flight back from Vietnam, Jaehyun and Taeyong sat side by side. The people around them were asleep, and the two of them slipped into a comfortable silence._

_Taeyong had decided not to ask Jaehyun what it meant, that they had made love again, where that left them. Let it be, he thought. Don't ruin a good thing. Just take it as it comes._

_But Jaehyun spoke. "You know, hyung," he said, lips almost brushing Taeyong's ear, voice almost fading into the rumble of the engines. "Whatever happens, you and I will keep coming back to each other. All this shit we're going through right now will pass. And I'll come back to you. Will you wait?"_

_Taeyong closed his eyes, smiled. Trust Jaehyun to say all the right things. "I'll wait."_

 

Taeyong pressed his lips to Jaehyun's with devotion. They would fight, he knew that. They were different people. Taeyong was afraid of everything, of love, of commitment, of heartbreak. He knew he was the kind of person who always had a bag packed, ready to run everytime things got hard. Jaehyun was warm, giving, but he'd shut himself off sometimes. He'd never let on that he was having a hard time, he'd push people away. They would fight, he was certain.

But he knew they would work on it together.

He knew they'd always come back to each other. 

So Taeyong kissed Jaehyun with everything he had. 

"I see it," he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it folks. Thanks for reading :)


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